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13 Doctors Share Their Patients’ Craziest Self-Inflicted Sex Injury Stories

*Stuck Up!: 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn

Stuck Up!: 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested in Places They Shouldn’t Be / St. Martin’s Press

We’ll never know where the sexual imagination of humans will take us. Reddit wanted stories of when sex ended up in a hospital bed and asked medical professionals to provide stories for our pleasure. We’ve made a compilation of our luckiest 13 below. Find more people using vegetables as sex toys here.


USERNAME “SPERMROBOT”
Urologist here, the following are my last 3:
1. Penis stuck in the handles of a pair of scissors. The penis had gotten so swollen that we couldn’t get the scissors off despite squeezing his penis for 30 min. Had to dremel off the scissors. He said that he fell asleep in his chair while doing arts and crafts naked, and didn’t realize until he woke up that the scissors had ring-tossed onto his dong.
2. Guy stuck a butter knife in his urethra, into his rectum. Required a huge repair and a colostomy for a while. He says he fell on it, but this guy regularly visits our ED with foreign bodies in his urethra (pens, plastic spoons, rolled up tape).
3. Last kid took his dad’s penile injections (one form of medical treatment for erectile dysfunction when things like Viagra fail, is a self injection of a mix of medications into the penis) and injected maybe 10x the dose. He claims he was just really into his porn. Long sorry short, erection over 8 hours. Penis was woody and starting to turn black. Barely saved it by doing a shunt procedure. Kid will need a penile prosthesis in the future. We only know because his dad found the vial, and was able to tell us how much was missing.

TENN-ASS BALLS
My cousin told me this. She is an ER nurse.

Guy comes in said his girlfriend was getting frisky and put a tennis ball in his ass. A few hours later, x-ray reveal that not one, or two, but 4 tennis balls were somehow up there.

Another one was way worse. Guy came in and was inserting a screwdriver in his ass, but it went in too quick he said and it “sucked it in” he tried to push it out, but ended up perforating his rectum and came out his taint. They had no idea how, but he walked it, calmly explained to the reception. She didn’t believe him because there was no way he wasn’t screaming. Turns out he was on mdma and mescaline.

GLASSHOLE
This didn’t happen to me, it happened to my host mother in France while I lived with her. She is an ER surgeon.

She comes in one morning after working all night, all disheveled looking and just PISSED. This isn’t her normal demeanor. I ask her what’s wrong and she says, “I just spent the entire night on one patient, some idiot who stuck a jar in his ass and then it shattered!” I said, “Wow, that’s really disturbing and sounds awful, but why are you so mad? This isn’t like you”, and she replies, “Because this is the second time I’ve performed this procedure for this piece of shit!”

KID’S BIRTHDAY PARTY COSTUME FAIL
Woman comes into the ER with a butt plug with a tail sticking out. She initially said that she was dressing up for a kid’s birthday party and that her costume was stuck and she couldn’t take it off.

I wanted to ask well how old was the kid but I didn’t want to embarrass her even more.

AN EASTER CHICKEN
Elderly man and wife enter the ED. The male’s in obvious distress, but he initially refused to elaborate in triage. Once roomed, he will not speak with his wife present.

When alone with staff, he finally tells us. He had a plastic easter egg lodged deep his bum. Asked with what happened, he simply replies, “I wanted to know what it’s like to be a chicken.”

TASTE THE RAINBOW
Aside from the barrage of household items sucked into the lower intestines of various men claiming they were straight and “please don’t tell my wife,” one of the most memorable foreign body moments was a woman who came into our ER complaining of pelvic pain. Well, that means you just signed up for a pelvic exam, all of which are performed by a doctor with a nurse also present to assist (me). The patient assumed the position, Doctor began the exam, run of the mill stuff, then says, “Oh… Nurse could you hand me a specimen cup?” I hand her one, and the doctor asks the patient, “did you happen to insert anything into your vagina recently? You have some funny colored discharge and small pebble sized objects I’m removing…” The patient doesn’t miss a beat and says, “Oh, those are just skittles. That’s nothing new, I always put them in there because my boyfriend likes the taste. That whole ‘taste the rainbow’ thing.” She had no idea that her self-inflicted candy-coated vagina, which she had been doing daily for the last week, was the cause of her discomfort.

BUNG THE CLOWN
Dude says he “accidentally sat on an inflated balloon” and it went up his ass. Tried to pop it with bamboo skewers. Perforated his sigmoid several times and wound up with a whopping abdominal infection.

DUNK POND NIGHTMARE
Friend of mine is an A&E nurse. She had a bloke come in who had had his scrotum ripped open. It turned out he liked to wade into the local pond stark naked and scatter bread around his genitalia for the ducks to nibble on. One had got impatient and gone for the whole payday in one chomp, and refused to let go. He had eventually ripped the skin pulling it off.

iWANG
Teenager comes in complaining that he can’t pee. I take him to an examination room and ask him to drop his pants, and to my utter surprise I see 2 iPhone ear buds sticking out of his penis! His story was that he was sleeping naked while listening to music and his ear buds must have fallen out, and while he was tossing and turning, they naturally worked their way into his penis.

Anyway he ended up needing surgery because they’d knotted and we were unable to remove them with the cystoscope.

IT JUST HAPPENED
There was a guy who had a jar of peanut butter stuck in his ass. Around his anus was a mess of caked-on peanut butter and dried blood. I believe surgery ended up having to be consulted. He just said, “it just kind of happened.”

THE ASS GNOMING PARTY
First story, guy comes in looking fidgety in a big coat, female nurse asks initial questions but he demands a male. He gets to see a doctor a bit later, and reveals a garden gnome (quite a little one, but still) that was wedged (at the hat), into his ass. It gets removed, he blames an elaborate fall from a ladder, laughter follows and all seems well.

Then… Another guy comes in with the EXACT SAME THING! Turns out you’re not hardcore until you’ve been to an ass gnoming party.

JUST WHAT YOU’D EXPECT
Dude came in with perforated intestines. My friend who was in medical school at the time chuckled at that diagnosis, saying (rightly so) that use of the word “perforated” is a fair bit of an understatement. Patient claims he was cleaning naked and fell on the broom handle.

He was known by the staff as “Broom Closet.”

RUBBER BAND MAN
Jamaican guy comes in with a “smelly cock”, he wasn’t lying, it wreaked.

Through a quick interview it turns out this married guy had recently started banging a girl on the side who was “wild”, and had taught him a neat trick.

Put a rubber band on the base of your cock and it gets “real hard maan”. However, you must remember to remove it. Captain monogamy had forgotten.

The rubber band had rolled up and become wedged under his bell end (he was circumcised). It had then attracted an infection while cutting off blood flow to the tip.

The man had what can only be described as trench cock. And, sadly, the dick had to go.

After finding out of his impending forced castration, his main worry was his wife finding out.

What a guy.


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