I’m honestly not sure what kind of terrifying evil Australia is capable of delivering. It seems like people are always describing some nightmarish villain before they drop, “But it’s only found in Australia,” and I, at most, simply tilt my head in understanding because of course it’s in Australia. So, if you’re like me, maybe it won’t surprise you to learn that an Australian man was freaking out about a spider so hard that cops thought it was domestic violence.
“We had numerous calls to our emergency number stating that a woman could be heard screaming with a man yelling, ‘I’m going to kill you, die, die,’ with what sounded like furniture being overturned and or a hitting sound,” said police spokesperson Dean Lindley, discussing the incident in the Sydney suburb of Wollstonecraft.
What’d they find upon arriving to the potentially bloody scene? Just a 32-year-old man reluctant to admit it was only him—no wife or girlfriend present—and a spider that he sheepishly admitted he was trying to kill. Lindley added, “It quickly turned to embarrassment when he realized he would have to admit to the screaming like a girl thing.”
Whatever, “embarrassment.” That spider was likely the size of a crocodile and twice as mean. In Australia, spider is probably slang for anything under a certain height. That country’s like the Hunger Games of spiders, snakes, and insects. If a creature only shoots flames out of its back instead of poison too, technically it’s a cat. The guy probably had trouble killing that insane spider because he misplaced his bazooka. Do you, Australian man.