This article originally appeared in the November 1996 issue of playboy magazine.


This Men column will tell you how to attract ravishing women for the rest of your life. But first, let me ask you a question that gets to the point: What did you eat yesterday?

You can’t remember everything you ate, right? To you, food is fuel and nothing more. You had some pizza last night. Or was it the night before? You had a burger for lunch. Or maybe it was beef tacos. “Who the hell cares?” you ask. But that cavalier attitude explains why you spend so many nights alone.

If you ask any woman what she had to eat the day before, she will remember to the last sliver and crumb. She will describe it for you in loving and tender tones. Yet there you are, lost in selective Alzheimer’s when it comes to the details of your caloric intake.

Get my point? The one thing guaranteed to intrigue a woman is not sex or money or precious gems, but food, food of all nations and cultures and seasonings. Women are crazy about food. Crazy as in obsessed, haunted, manic, orgasmic and mesmerized. But have you taken advantage of that?

Listen to women talk. They have endless conversations about food. What do they read? Books about the history of food, as well as restaurant reviews, menus, cookbooks and recipes. What do they watch on television? Shows on cooking and other food-related topics.

Women yearn for a state of grace based on gastronomic reverie, a hypnotic condition that allows them to float like spirits from their ideal kitchens to their ideal dining rooms, and are always dreaming of the perfect meal, the perfect table setting, the perfect dessert—and, of course, the perfect chef. He’s a strong and sympathetic and sensitive man who can toss a mean Caesar salad while he serves up pheasant under glass.

This man’s name is Chef Charming. He is Prince Charming’s brother. For a fantastic sex life, you must learn how to be like him, because Chef Charming knows that the way to a woman’s affections is through her stomach, her dominant sex organ. Eating or fasting, purging or slurping, gorging or starving, every woman’s belly screams for fulfillment and enrichment at all times. If you can remember that fact, your sex life will blossom like a flowering vine on the banks of the Amazon.

Growing up, most women are taught to be cautious about sex, and rightly so. After all, there are rogues like you and me looking for fun, and sometimes fun can lead to great trouble. So women are trained to sublimate their sexuality from an early age. But this river of sexual energy that flows through women has to go somewhere (note that we are talking about creatures who can have more orgasms in an hour than we can have in a day). Desperately, women search for a safe place to channel that raging river, and, inevitably, their tummies call. “Here I am,” the stomach says. “I won’t get you pregnant or diseased. I will comfort you. I might make you gain more weight than you would like, but let us eat, drink and be merry without those yucky boys around.” Thus the eternal female romance with food begins. And thus arrives the male’s opportunity to sneak into that mix and prosper like a bandit.

To become a Chef Charming, take the following steps:

1. Be sure to tell the woman you are pursuing about what you eat, and woo her with your words.
For example, you didn’t have spaghetti last night. You had semolina gnocchi. You didn’t have steak and eggs and hash browns for breakfast this morning. You had pan-seared Colorado open-range filet mignon, pre-hatch baby hen sautéed lightly in Normandy butter, and organic new potatoes. Watch her as you talk: She will lick her lips and breathe heavily, I promise.

2. Be audacious. Understand that you don’t really have to know what any of this jargon means.
Use the terms “hand-turned” and “line-caught” and “farm-raised.” Why? Because she will think she is dating a walking menu, and she will love you for it. As you fuss over your crème brulée, you will seem exceptional to her. Don’t forget that she has seen men stuff uncooked hot dogs down their gullets and call it a meal.

3. Exploit the subject of food with any woman you want to meet.
And continue to use it throughout the relationship. Food talk is sex talk to her. Compare your diet with her diet. Go grocery shopping together. “That Julia Child sure is funny, isn’t she?” is always a good line. And if the conversation lags after that, don’t panic. Simply ask her for her favorite recipe, and write it down. She will get all squishy.

4. In a bookstore, don’t hang around the sports section. Go over to the cookbooks.
Pretend you are interested. Ask questions like, “What is your favorite cookbook on French cuisine?” or, “Can anything compare to northern Italian cooking?” Memorize a recipe—the recipe for Lady Baltimore cake works well, I find—and ask women what they think of it. And don’t feel guilty about it. You are simply using a shrewd tactic in the perpetual war between the sexes. Women, of course, have many clever devices of their own.

5. To become an effective Chef Charming, carry the right equipment.
Nothing works better than an apron and a chef’s hat. Wear them everywhere. And always have access to a small bag of white flour. Keep sprinkling your face and hands with flour—it will look like you just stepped out of a hot kitchen. Act busy and exhausted. Tell her you need her phone number now, before you go back to the bakery.

6. Have a catering service deliver an exquisite meal to your home and pretend that you cooked it.
She may sense that you are putting her on, but if the food is good, she won’t care. If the food is lousy, take her out to the best restaurant in town. Then bring her back to your pad. Because full girls are easy.


For more timeless playboy content, download the Playboy Classic app—or join iPlayboy for access to the magazine’s complete archives.