You guys won’t believe the straight heat coming out of Washington DC. No, I’m not talking about the impending threat of thermonuclear war at the hands of a toddler-in-chief. I’m refering to the mixtape the same guy is about to drop. You thought that tweet was about the borders, didn’t you? C'mon, man. Everbody knows Trump just threw his MAGA hat into the rap ring as Easy D!

After Jared Kushner informed his father that “the streets don’t fuck with you,” Donald has spearheaded several new cultural outreach programs. One consisted of a taco salad-eating party with Hispanics, another was taking away Obamacare, and now he will use hip-hop to reach out to new fans.

According to a totally real, actual person, who is definitely in the White House, we have verified through alternative facts what is, indeed, a track list. Since Donald is using a private email server like a hypocritical douche, we have also recovered some lyrics from each song, transcribed below. Donald isn’t about the conscious, rational stuff; in these lines, he’s straight-up ignorant. Judge for yourself. Does he pack the heat?


"Deep Pockets Since Birth” Started small like my hands,
Million dollars turned into a million bands,
All the girls holler cause they understand,
Donald don’t own shit, cause his name is the brand.

“Grab ‘em by the Pussy” (ft. Quavo) Nobody loves women like the Donald
Quavo: TRUMP
Bada bah bah bah they lovin’ it; Ronald
Quavo:CLOWNS
I’m ready for the girls backs to make golden arches,
Quavo:MICKEY D’S
Before I get a golden shower, and eat golden starches.
Quavo:FRIES

“Bad Hombres” People hoppin cross the border, ain’t the best
Causing civil disorder, civil unrest
Check my watch, Time to build a big wall,
Freudian Projection cause my dick is so small.

“Absolutely Yuge” Popping oxycontin with Kellyanne,
Heroin with Steve Bannon,
Burning through joints with Bernie Sanders,
Burning the constitution; Shits the Standard!

“Father Help Me Because I have no Idea How To do My Job” (ft. Travis Scott)

HELP ME DAD I’M SCARED
Travis: STRAIGHT UP
HELP ME DAD I’M SCARED
Travis: IT’S LIT
HELP ME DAD I’M SCARED
Travis: OH NO
HELP ME DAD I’M SCARED
Travis: STRAIGHT UP

“Cultural Elites” I live in Ivory Towers, I don’t understand
I’m livid at how Hollywood has soured,
I used to have total babes as fans!
Now all they do is call me a coward
And now all my fans look like meth-head Austin Powers!

“Thumbs Are Sore (From All This Tweeting)” 144 characters can’t say enough
Crippling ego-mania got my amygdala blowing up
Should say something compassionate, to take a stand?
Nah screw that, I’M JUST GOING TO YELL AT IRAN.

“I’m an Expert (Believe Me)”
I do good, I know shit,
I’m so hood, I stay lit,
I’m so smart, I’m so fine,
Wait Bannon—what did I just sign?!?!

“We Goin’ Be Alt-right (That Smart)” Me no conversate with the fakes,
That Smart
All my business independent business,
That Smart,
I just want the paper,
That Smart,
A slum lord and a slaver,
That smart, that smart, that smart, that smart

(Easy D note: Melania gave me these lyrics and only after mastering the track did I notice she ripped off Schoolboy Q. Oh well.)

“The Art of The Deal”

Give me money please Mexico
Otherwise we’ll take it tho
Nieto better listen up or it’ll be rough
I got small hands, but I still throw 'em fast enough.

The album, entitled Ain’t No Problem, Believe Me, has been described by Jeb Bush as “hot garbage.” But Jeb is a total mess himself, so it takes one to know one. Who knows when it drops, but rumor has it Donald Trump wants it to coincide with the rapture.