Let me set the scene for you. It’s a Sunday night in Miami. The bars are ablaze with weekenders riding that last-call wave before morning shows up with work. Everyone’s dreading the worst until the worst actually shows up as a human being.

She has no name—or, more likely, I just don’t know it—and she has been here since the dawn of time (or the 1990s from the look of her). She is wrath incarnate and she has no interest in “calming down.” After an assumedly sloppy evening of play-hitting dudes for attention and then demanding they buy her overpriced club cocktails, she decides to go home, unsurprisingly alone from the looks of it. And then that’s where things goes sideways.

Here’s what apparently happened, per the video’s explanation.

We were on the phone with this uber driver while he pulled up to our location. Out of nowhere the girl in the video gets in the backseat of his car and won’t get out. We told the driver it was ok, to just cancel our ride, but he did not want to take her anywhere so he kept telling her to get out.

So that’s where this messy epic starts. From there, it’s a saga of stumbly, furious madness. It’s not just a moment of insanity. It’s a step-by-step challenge for the crowning title of “The Worst.” Here’s every stupid, terrible thing this hammered lunatic pulls.

  1. Grabs the driver’s collared shirt and sassily taunts him to “press charges, periodically addressing the crowd as if they—because they are also carless and drunk—have taken her side without question.

  2. Takes a feeble swing at the driver, which is a dumb idea anyway, but its actual execution is downright insulting.

  3. Asks, "Seriously?”, after the driver politely dodges her slo-mo punch, as if she can’t believe he didn’t take her (hardly) swift justice like a man who should be repenting to her imposing 5’, 100-pound existence.

  4. Says, “You don’t know who the fuck you’re messing with right now,” which is what only the worst people ever say. Nobody decent, interesting, or level-headed has ever ever ever said that.

  5. Knees the driver as he’s holding her back like the tiny tantrum-throwing bully she likely is in every single life situation.

  6. Welcomes herself into the car like a bear inviting herself into a camping tent.

  7. Yells at him in a pitch that would annoy a half-deaf dog.

  8. Throws what looks like his phone or GPS apparatus, even though he would theoretically need it to take her home, which is all she wants in the first place.

  9. Trails off halfway through what sounded like a solid incriminating threat to keep repeating, “Yeah.”

  10. Keeps demanding he get in the car like he’s her chauffeur and she’s a mean-spirited wealthy crank in the beginning of poorly written summer flick.

  11. Throws some of the driver’s stuff out his door.

  12. Says, “I’ll do whatever the fuck I want,” which is what only the worst people ever say. Nobody decent, interesting, or level-headed has ever ever ever said that.

  13. Throws more of the driver’s belongings out the passenger door.

  14. Throws even more of the driver’s belongings out the passenger window.

  15. Pops her head out of the window to inform everyone that she’s a small girl getting belligerent right now, as if she’s some sort of puppet recapping the audience for a second act.

Actually, you know what? My hands are getting tired and my temper’s rising. I’m not listing out the rest. She’s just the worst. This girl sucks. If there’s any poetic justice in the world, she’ll end up with the former Taco Bell exec who beat up his Uber driver, got fired, and then sued the driver. Maybe their union would cause a tiny black hole to suck them out of our universe. I know so little about science that this fantasy could honestly work from where I’m standing.

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