You know at least one person who hates spiders and want you to know that. They talk about all the crazy stuff they’ve done in hopes of smooshing a likely harmless spider (e.g. “I threw a blender at the wall,” “I karate-kicked my dresser, "I called my ex-boyfriend in a panic to come over and challenge the little beast to a game of fisticuffs and now we’re back together because he saved my life”). But no one has used their lighter next to an open gas tank while still at the pump, because why would you ever, ever, ever do that?

Well, this Michigan Man sure did. His original defense to the station clerk was that there was static in his car, but he cracked with firefighters, explaining that he’s absolutely terrified of spiders and saw one.

My main question is, how can anyone feel safe around this dude again? Spiders are everywhere. His family and friends should be realizing that, at any moment, this man is capable of anything. Spider on the shade? Whole lamp out the window! Spider on the screen? Ax to the TV! Spider on his significant other? Break up; person forever tainted.