I love horror movies as much as anyone. I’ll watch the remakes that I know are going to be terrible in hopes of seeing one thing that’s satisfying. I’ll find and watch the indie films that cost $14 to make and were shot on a Nokia flip phone. I’ll watch Paranormal Activity 27.
But as much as I love the genre, there are some very frustrating moments in almost every movie.
1) Sleep on it
Why is it that a family could know there’s some kind of hell demon in their home and yet they don’t leave? The walls could literally bleed and they’ll say, “Wow this is bad. Let’s go to bed and deal with it in the morning.”
2) Go to your room
Speaking of sleep, why do parents keep making their kids sleep in their own rooms after horrifying things happen? “Hey sweetheart, I know you wake up with claw marks on your back every morning and claim you see faceless children staring at you in your bedroom window, but you should probably just keep sleeping in your bed. Have a great night. Here’s a two watt night light and I’m going to close your door too!”
3) It’s never the wind
If I hear the floor creak in my house I assume it’s the ghost of Jack the Ripper. Families in horror movies will hear a grave voice whisper their name in the middle of the night, look around, and blame it on the wind. Are you kidding me? I would burn that house to the ground just to be safe.
4) The reflection
How many times have we seen someone in a horror movie get something out of the medicine cabinet, close it, and see something terrifying in the reflection? It’s pretty common, but what I don’t understand is why they’re startled for maybe 7 seconds and then never think about it again. If I see Lucifer staring back at me in the mirror, I’m staying at a Holiday Inn with Chingy for the next two weeks.
5) Cell phone reception
Let’s be honest, if you notice you don’t have cell reception, you’re going to freak out whether you’re being chased by an ax murderer or not. People in horror movies will notice they have no reception, hold their phone in the air for a second, and then continue exploring the Indian burial ground. At least check to see if there’s wi-fi!
6) The death of friends
I watched Freddy vs Jason the other day and there’s a scene where Jason shows up to a field party and slaughters dozens of teens, including some that were very close with the main characters. The group jumps into a van and after a few minutes of freaking out, they each go their separate ways and decide to figure this out later. YOU JUST SAW YOUR FRIENDS DIE! Some of these characters have been your best friends for years and after seeing them mangled and bloody you just wander away. Thanks guys!
If you’re planning on doing some breaking and entering, why do it on the anniversary of a murder when there’s a full moon and so much fog you can’t see the six inches in front of you? Be more responsible with your crimes and maybe you’d survive the night.
8) Scary = Horny
Who are these people that want to find the unmarked grave of Michael Myers and 69 on it? If you need to be scared in order to get aroused, just dry hump each other in the corner of a haunted house at Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. The worst thing that could happen there is you get kicked out and can’t ride Shrek 4D anymore.
9) Ignoring kids
It’s one thing to make kids sleep in their own bed, but when your kid comes up to you and starts speaking Latin while their eyes glow red, you might want to take them to the hospital. Instead, every horror movie family will either ignore it completely or that night before bed, while their spouse is brushing their teeth, they’ll say, “Honey, have you noticed anything strange with Billy?” Uh yeah, he’s possessed by a murder demon!
10) Being alone
Who would ever split up? Seriously, if you knew a zombie murderer was lurking around your house, why on earth would you split up? I wouldn’t leave more than an arm’s length between my family and me. If there was a giant pair of pants like Jared from Subway holds up in those commercials, I would have all of us jump in them and hide together.
11) Examining evidence
There’s been a series of unexplainable events. Someone placed cameras all over the house to try and see what’s happening. One of the cameras caught something. One of the family members will see it and try to show everyone else, but they’ll dismiss it without even looking! “Oh you’re just being paranoid.” Really? Was I paranoid last night when a blood clown ate the dog? Just look at the goddamn tape!
If there’s a good chance a murderer is in your house, call the police, hide, or get a large gun and stand in a windowless corner. For some reason families in horror movies prefer to wander around in the dark yelling things like, “Is anyone there? Hello? Anybody?” You might as well just shoot yourself because you’re about to be slaughtered.
13) Save yourself
The most unrealistic thing you’ll hear in horror movies is, “save yourself! Just leave me behind!” No way. I don’t care if my legs and arms are gone and you’re holding my head with no way to communicate other than blinking, strap me on your back and get me out of there. I’m not dying just to give you a 13 second head start.
14) A little effort would be nice
If the killer has found your hiding spot and he’s raising his knife in the air, why would you just scream and put your hand in front of your face? Have you ever heard of a knife that can’t penetrate palms? Jump out of the way like Lawrence Taylor and form tackle him as hard as you possibly can. Sure you’re probably still going to die, but you’ll look a lot cooler than the dude cowering in the corner who thinks his magic hands will save him.
Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.