Before we get to my iron-clad, scried from the future itself predictions — which you can totally take to the bank provided that bank deals in multicolored money and comes with a boardgame — I’m gonna take this moment to mention that I’m gonna be live-tweeting the Emmy Awards for this very site, starting at 4:30 pm PST (7:30 pm EST, if math is proving problematic).

Now, my predictions:

1. Someone British Will Win An Emmy And Say Something Hysterically Scathing. Only they can pull such things off. Look for Martin Freeman (Fargo) or Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock).

2. Matthew McConaughey Will Say “Alright, alright, alright.” At this point, it’s a contractual obligation.

3. Whoever Wins Lead Actress in A Miniseries or Movie Will Take a Moment to Acknowledge Fellow Nominee Cicely Tyson. As bloody well they should.

4. A Movie Actor Will Win Best Actor. Sorry, Hamm. It was just not meant to be.

5. Nicki Minaj’s Ass Will Be the Butt of Two Jokes. I’m taking the under on that one, but Seth Meyers was the head writer at SNL when the Bride of Blackenstein sketch made the air.

See y'all in a few hours — but only if you follow us at @playboy.