There are a lot of characters in the six Star Wars movies released prior to The Force Awakens. Like, a lot a lot. And right now I’m going to rank the vast majority of them. It’s not everybody, of course, but at 223 entries, it’s still more thorough than any sane person would dare to attempt, certainly. Here’s part one.
223. SARLACC WITH A BEAK (EP. VI)
The abomination that was the 1997 Star Wars Trilogy Special Edition, in which George Lucas digitally added a whole bunch of bad-looking garbage, reached its nadir with this weird beak and low-res tentacles added to what was previously just a terrifying mouth in the middle of the desert that digested those who fell in over 1,000 years. Ugh, I feel ill looking at this, and not in the fun, scared kind of way.
222. TERRIBLE MEDICAL DROID (EP. III)
Padme is dying on the table and he’s like, “Even with all our hologram computers, we’re too dumb to figure out what’s wrong with her.”
221. C-3PO WITH A BATTLE DROID HEAD (EP. II)
It’s a nightmaaaaaaaaaaaaare. Both for him and the audience.
220. BATTLE DROID WITH C-3PO HEAD (EP. II)
This one gets the edge just because he screams “DIE, JEDI DOGS” at one point.
219. THIS THING FROM THE A NEW HOPE SPECIAL EDITION (EP. IV)
We’ll never forget all the great additions to Mos Eisley in the special edition, like this beast of burden that walks in front of the camera and takes up almost the entire frame.
218. PALPATINE/PREQUEL EMPEROR (EP. III)
Nah, man. Come on, son.
217. CHILD DARTH VADER (EP. 1)
“I’m a person and my name is Anakin.” OK, whatever.
216. TEEN DARTH VADER (EP. II)
Wow, stop crying you big baby. Sure, all your dialogue is really bad but that’s no excuse for having zero chemistry with your love interest.
215. YOUNG ADULT DARTH VADER (EP. III)
You’re getting burnt skin everywhere, yuck.
214. CGI JABBA THE HUTT (1997) (EP. IV)
Still haunts my dreams. I’m sorry for making you look at this.
213. CGI JABBA THE HUTT (2004) (EP. IV)
That’s… better, I guess.
212. JAR JAR BINKS (EP. I, II, III)
Everyone’s least favorite offensive racial caricature in the prequels.
211. GENERAL GRIEVOUS (EP. III)
Formerly organic being who is now a droid with a heart and four lightsabers that he doesn’t know how to use. Honestly, I don’t really wanna talk about this one. Let’s all just forget this ever happened.
210. NUTE GUNRAY (EP. I, II, III)*
Another terrible racial caricature. This one runs a shady trade organization that had a seat in the Republic Senate. So much going on here!
209. POGGLE THE LESSER (EP. II, III)
The prequels are chock full of random sub-villains you forget about when they aren’t on screen, and this guy is one of them, even though his people are the ones who designed the Death Star.
203-208. THE REST OF GEORGE LUCAS’ POLITICAL-STATEMENT-COUNCIL-OF-CORPORATE-BAD-GUYS (EP. III)
This group of cartoon clowns, which includes Nute Gunray and Poggle, leads the separatist movement called the Confederacy of Independent Systems (star systems, that is). Though they actually represent groups like the Retail Caucus, Commerce Guild, InterGalactic Banking Clan and Corporate Alliance. I see what you’re doing here, George.
202. SEBULBA (EP. I)
The Kobe Bryant of pod racing.
201. CGI YODA (EP. I, II, III)
Computer Yoda may be an abomination who loves to do shitty-looking flips around the room, but at least it doesn’t frighten me.
200. PREQUEL PUPPET YODA (EP. I)
This one does frighten me, but the puppet will always win out over an intangible computer creation, even with all that hair.
199. JANGO FETT (EP. II)
I’M GLAD HE’S DEAD.
198. IMPERIAL OFFICER WHO COULD HAVE WON THE WAR BUT CHOSE NOT TO (EP. IV)
“Hold your fire, there’s no life forms aboard,” he said, because he didn’t want to waste a single laser bolt in case there weren’t two droids carrying the Death Star plans in that escape pod.
197. OPENLY RACIST IMPERIAL OFFICER (EP. IV)
The Empire may be all about human supremacy, but this was the first “that guy” in the movies. When Han and Luke bring Chewbacca into the detention level of the Death Star, his hatred – and timing – are lethal: “Where are you taking that… thing?”
196. JOH YOWZA (EP. VI)
Absolutely not. Delete. His addition to the Max Rebo Band in the Return of the Jedi special edition was very very disturbing.
195. THE GUY WHO FIRED THE DEATH STAR LASER (EP. IV)
How do you even get this job? What does he tell his family he does for a living? That’s gotta be weird, right. Anyway, this guy sucks.
193-194. PADME’S PARENTS (EP. III)
Padme was queen of a whole planet at age 14 and fought in wars and stuff but her parents only make an appearance in these movies at her funeral? Nice job, guys.
192. MOS EISLEY SNITCH (EP. IV)
Ratted Luke and Obi-Wan out to the Empire. Guess I shouldn’t expect any better from a guy whose voice sounds like a zipper.
191. CGI SY SNOOTLES (EP. VI)
Sy Snootles never looked good but this is genuinely upsetting.
190. PUPPET SY SNOOTLES (EP. VI)
This isn’t really better, but the puppet was there first.
187-189. MAX REBO BAND BACKUP SINGERS (EP. VI)
These ladies were added in the Return of the Jedi special edition, and so I’m obligated to dislike them even though they are pretty cool. At least they’re real and not CGI.
186. UGLY MOS ESPA MERCHANT (EP. I)
I don’t know that I would buy food from this guy.
185. R4-P17 (EP. II, III)
Obi-Wan’s droid pal who I always forget about when Obi-Wan isn’t speaking directly to it. I had to look up his full name – that’s how little anyone cares about R4.
184. R4-G9 (EP. III)
After the first R4 got its head ripped off, Obi-Wan apparently replaced it with this other R4. I only found out when I looked up the other one’s name. Gets the bump over his predecessor because he slid into the role that smoothly!
183. LAMA SU (EP. II)
Prime Minister of Kamino, where all the clone soldiers came from. Really bad at seeing through Obi-Wan’s super transparent lies about what’s going on.
182. TAUN WE (EP. II)
She seems nice. Poorly animated, but nice.
180-181. LAZY BATTLE DROIDS (EP. I)
These two Trade Federation battle droids are particularly bad because they stand around watching while Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan carve up their buddies. Then Qui-Gon puts away his saber and nails them with a Force push. And one of them yells “D’OH” on the way down.
179. UNCLE OWEN (EP. IV)
Can’t really get behind any dad figure trying to keep the kid at home in hopes that he’ll eventually take over the family business. Especially when the family business is digging water molecules out of the dirt.
178. JEDI LIBRARIAN (EP. II)
“That planet isn’t in our archives so it definitely doesn’t exist. No, don’t google it, there’s no point. Might as well end the movie now, there’s nothing going on here.”
177. GREEDO (EP. IV)
If he had shot first he might still be alive today.
176. FIRST STORMTROOPER THROUGH THE ELEVATOR DOOR (EP. IV)
In an attempt to retake cell block AA23, a bunch of stormtroopers stuffed themselves into a small elevator and blew a hole in the door. The first guy tripped and got shot and fell over and his buddies had to climb over him, hilariously.
175. “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE, EVEN FOR A COMPUTER” GUY (EP. IV)
This rebel pilot tells Luke that he thinks the space computers that can calculate the position of every heavenly body in the galaxy in real time could never get a torpedo to hit a target the size of a very large man.
174. BATTLE DROID THAT SAYS “UHHHHHHH” (EP. I)
“Uhhhhhhhhh, does not compute, uhhhhhhh, wait, uhhh, you’re under arrest!” And you’re not super good at being a military droid. You don’t even have a gun, bro.
173. PREQUEL R2 (EP. I, II, III)
I mean come on what even is this.
172.SUPER BATTLE DROID WHO KICKED OVER PREQUEL R2 (EP. III)
There’s not much “super” about super battle droids because they’re all goofy and stupid in the same way the skinny ones are, but at least this one taught Prequel R2 a lesson.
171. WATTO (EP. I, II)
A hook-nosed, slave-owning, greedy alien. Holy antisemitic baggage, George! At least he doesn’t murder anybody.
170. COUNT DOOKU (EP. II, III)
I’d love to put Count Dooku higher for being played by screen legend Christopher Lee but technically Lee only played his face while the rest of this horrible character’s body was performed by a stunt double.
169. THIS JEDI YOUNGLING WHO POINTED HIS LIGHTSABER AT HIS OWN CHEST (EP. II)
I don’t know, maybe the Jedi fell because they gave lightsabers to small children.
168. JEDI YOUNGLING WHO POINTED HER LIGHTSABER AT HER OWN FACE (EP. II)
166-167. YOUNGLINGS WHO ARE LITERALLY MONSTERS (EP. II)