Accompanied by headlines that would have been shocking if we weren’t already living in a world where the star of a canceled reality TV show is set to be the leader of the free world, Kanye West met with president-elect Trump yesterday. This comes days after Kanye was released from the hospital where he’d been since he dropped out of his own US tour. Seems like the perfect recipe for some sane, logical conversations. But what really went on behind those closed doors? We don’t know, but that doesn’t mean we can’t assume. Here’s a speculative excerpt from West’s visit.
TRUMP: Hello Kan-ye. Thank you for co…
KANYE: Do you know how much Nike paid to have th…
TRUMP: My hands are very normal sized and everyo…
KANYE: Can you tell Mark Zuckerberg to write me a che…
TRUMP: I can’t prove it but I invented Lysol but my attorn…
KANYE: BILL COSBY!
ADVISOR: If each of you could let the other actually finish a sentence before responding, I think this meeting would go much more smoothly.
KANYE: I agree.
TRUMP: I also agree, but in a louder way.
KANYE: Yes I agree at that volume as well.
TRUMP: So I heard you didn’t vote, but if you did, you would’ve voted for me. I appreciate that. I really like the idea of talking about something a lot, but not actually doing anything. That’s a very admirable trait that you’ve probably seen in myself.
KANYE: Yeah, I really like how you constantly change your ideas and policies. Like you throw something out way too early and then have to go back and revamp it and hope no one notices. I did the same thing with The Life of Pablo.
TRUMP: That’s great. You know Marv Albert is a good friend of mine.
KANYE: Yeah cool. Taylor Swift would probably have sex with me.
TRUMP: I can fill a roll of quarters in mere seconds. It’s incredible. Truly a feast for the eyes.
KANYE: My wife has an app that has gotten millions of downloads. I also have dozens of apps on my phone as well.
TRUMP: I once flushed an entire beach ball down the toilet in a handicapped stall at Yankee Stadium. Just remarkable.
KANYE: I can name over seven types of dogs.
TRUMP: This is all incredible and we are truly renaissance men, but I agreed to this meeting because I wanted to offer you a job.
KANYE: What kind of job?
TRUMP: Well it depends. You see, I have a very strict screening process for my possible cabinet members and advisors. It’s a method I invented, actually. Let me show you.
[Trump reveals a prize wheel on a stand from behind a curtain.]
KANYE: Ah! It’s Blake Shelton!
TRUMP: What? No, no. People make that mistake all the time. It’s actually just a big, round wheel propped up with two sticks.
KANYE: Oh, OK.
TRUMP: With my foolproof system that is perfect in every way, we can assign you the perfect task. What you do is put your hand on the side of this wheel and push down as hard as you’d like. The wheel will spin and land on the job that’s best suited for you.
KANYE: Oh like Wheel of Fortune?
TRUMP: You know I’ve watched Wheel of Fortune every day for 25 years and I’ve guessed every puzzle correctly before anyone guesses a single letter. Doctors are baffled by my intelligence. I’m truly remarkable.
KANYE: In “Bound 2” I rhymed “reputation” with “reputation.”
TRUMP: I can lift an entire…
ADVISOR: Sir I’m sorry, but if we don’t hurry you’re going to miss your 10 a.m. meeting with Buzz from Home Alone about becoming the Secretary of Defense.
TRUMP: [whispers] We’re finally going to kill Old Man Marley.
TRUMP: Oh nothing. Spin that wheel, my good, close, personal friend.
[Kanye spins the wheel.]
TRUMP: Congrats! You’re now over the United States Department of Veterans Affairs.
KANYE: Does that mean I have to put dogs and cats to sleep?
TRUMP: No, but you can if you want. I know a guy.
KANYE: I think this is the beginning of a beau…
TRUMP: I can smash a fully-grown pumpkin using nothing but my thighs. It’s tremendous.
KANYE: I invented grapes.