As everyone knows, Facebook controls which status updates you’re seeing and which immediately get kidnapped and held at the bottom of a well where only James Gumb can see them. But how, exactly, does Facebook determine which posts should be in your feed over and over and who you should never interact with again? We uncovered the secret formula to Facebook’s algorithm.

Pictures of babies Pictures of your ex fiance’s babies
Anything your Aunt Kathy posts Aunty Kathy’s inexplicably racist thoughts on Macklemore
Stupid game invitations Candy Crushing Loneliness
Every single 5k that has ever been run by anyone ever Anyone who did a 5k just as “something silly” before they run a marathon
Buzzfeed quiz results ALL Buzzfeed quiz results
Religious posts Religious posts from anyone who went down on you badly in college

Any events near you that you’ll later be annoyed to have missed out on
That article that looked interesting that you saw in passing and wanted to go back and read later
Updates about people’s health, jobs and life that will prevent you from saying something really stupid next time you see them

Pictures of your friends They look far better than you do at this point in your life
Mysterious post about “Big news, can’t share yet” There is never an update on what that news was
Video of cute animal doing adorable thing If you’ve seen it 100 times already weeks ago and are sick of it
Posts that discuss TV shows you enjoy They contain spoilers for episodes you haven’t seen yet
Political posts They insult and dismiss anything you’ve ever cared about in your entire life
Updates from friends about happy accomplishments and fun experiences The posts contain so many grammatical and spelling errors you’ll have no choice but to leave an asshole comment
Those quick cooking videos You’re starving and have no food in your house
A video you’d be interested in watching You’re at work, can’t turn on the sound and the video doesn’t have captions
Excited posts from friend who just got a new job You were up for the same job