Beer is a thing that many of us get passionate about, and we all believe we know what’s best in terms of elite brews. Since what tastes best is so subjective, the next most enjoyable way to be a beer snob is to poke fun at everyone else’s taste. Broad generalizations and borderline unfair assessments about individuals based on casual observation. Yep, it’s time to see what your go-to beer says about the type of human you are!
The One You Drink with an Orange Slice on the Rim of Your Glass
Aesthetically speaking, your beer is sexy and you know it. Onlookers ooh & ahh, feeling urged to order what you’re having as well, while you coyly chuckle and confidently sip that beautiful beverage. You’re a chill & relaxed, because the folks who drink this aren’t ever the wild, crazy aggressive types, starting bar fights & wreaking havoc. Maybe once in a BLUE MOON, but it’s even a SHOCK TO Picture someone with a chunk of delicious fruit on their glass being so belligerent.
Whatever’s Cold and $3 Or Less Per Glass
College kids & financially challenged people prefer this because it’s inexpensive & plentiful, an ideal combination that makes quality & taste significantly less relevant factors. Think of it this way – nobody actually prefers a fast food value burger’s quality over a legit, handcrafted restaurant burger, but it’s so fast and cheap that you learn to love it.
You only drink at establishments that have a chalkboard with some witty statement written on it out front. As much as you hate warm beer, your IPA isn’t always chilly by the time you begin drinking, because you had to properly filter and hashtag the picture of it that you undoubtedly posted to Instagram.
Any Beer With the Word “Light” in the Name
People give you flak because of that one, emasculating word – light. The unfair thing is, you enjoy light beer so much that you won’t give other types a shot. You’re the person who’s in the same relationship from middle school through college. Yes, you see friends enjoying their single life or casual dating experiences over the years, but you’re wholeheartedly satisfied with your significant other.
Obscure, Unique Beer That Most People Don’t Even Understand
Honestly I can’t truly grasp how complex you are, much less explain the intricate, esoteric tendencies of someone like you in words. What are words, really? Just several different combinations of the same 26 letters, rearranged to hold a particular meaning. Pfft, humans are so simple. You’re so profound, aware and different from the masses. Yeah, I couldn’t even begin to describe the type of person you are, yet somehow, I just did.
One of the Popular Beers That Can Afford Several Super Bowl Commercials
You watch the movies that top the box office, listen to songs that get overplayed on the radio, and are an expert on all things mainstream, and you wonder why it has become a norm to loathe things once too many others enjoy ‘em, as if there’s a maximum capacity for being a fan of something.
All Beer Tastes the Same So Whatever
You write a lot of passionate Facebook posts regarding topics you know nothing about.
You write a lot of passionate Facebook posts regarding how “turnt up” you are.
You have a Pinterest and you’re not afraid to use it. In fact, you’re kind of afraid not to use it, because how else will you remember all the DIY projects you’d like to attempt and which throw pillows you like most? You’re a fan of all things exclusive and unique, like websites that require memberships and obscure TV shows that got cancelled after a single season.
This, my friends, is glorified adult fruit juice. When it comes to intoxication, you don’t mind being buzzed, but you do it in a slow, tasty fashion. It’s basically like you’re driving cross-country on a bicycle with an adorable helmet, as the grownup beer and liquor drinkers speed past your carefree, steadily pedaling self in motorized vehicles.
You don’t judge a book by its cover, nor do you select your beer by its label. You’re the type of person to visit the local brewery of your beloved craft beer and thank the employees for their work. For you, going to see the makers of your favorite beer in person would be the intimidating, exhilarating equivalent of meeting a significant other’s parents.
The Most Interesting Beer in the World
You don’t always buy brand name products that have commercials airing constantly, but when you do, you prefer a very specific type of Mexican beer. It’s popular & high quality, so metaphorically speaking, drinking it means you’re the beloved high school athlete who was always kind to outcasts. You’re the Blu-ray disc that comes with a DVD combo. You’re the iconic 80s cartoon that doesn’t sell its rights to someone who’ll butcher it in modern 3D movie form.
If you’re drinking these regularly, it means that when people wrote “Don’t ever change!” in your high school yearbook, you really took it to heart.
Energy Drink Beer
How are you even reading this from jail? Last night you were probably, maybe, most likely, definitely arrested for destroying public property, or getting in a fight due to your state of high energy, high inebriation. I’m always shocked energy/beer hybrid drinks even exist, because the only people who should be immature and naïve enough to want such a combination couldn’t possibly be of legal age to purchase alcohol.
Chris is a writer based in Tucson, Arizona. Follow @CEHudspeth on Twitter.