Hot on the heels of charges of money laundering and rampant corruption, FIFA’s latest embarrassing headline involves the poorly-timed release of a FIFA hagiography, United Passions.

Passions tells the story of FIFA, as viewed by FIFA, and largely financed by FIFA, to the tune of $29 million. How did spending their ill-gotten gains on a movie depicting them as not-crooks played Tim Roth and Sam Neill pan out for them?

The LA Times reports that from a limited release this weekend in 10 theaters, “United Passions” managed to haul in a whopping $607. Positing $10 per ticket, that’s 60 people. So much for finding all that money the US Justice Department is looking for, FIFA.

In the NY Times review, critic Daniel Gold calls the film “one of the most unwatchable films in recent memory, a dishonest bit of corporate-suite sanitizing that’s no good even for laughs.”

Who could have imagined that a boring film made by corrupt criminals that depicted them as charmingly innocent heroes would would bomb horribly in a country where soccer is less popular than hockey? Much like the eagle-shaped fist of American justice, Sepp Blatter never saw this one coming.