Before we begin, let’s get two fairly obvious things out of the way: Fifty Shades Darker, which debuted in theaters on February 2, is a film based on the second novel in the Fifty Shades of Grey series. This series has a universal reputation of turning people on, particularly women. Second, of all the vegetables sold in grocery stores, the cucumber is without a doubt the veggie most shaped like a penis.
Now that these two incontestable details are out of the way, I want you to draw the connection between why cucumbers have been spotted down the sticky, popcorn-speckled aisles of Fifty Shades Darker screenings around the world. Since there is only one conceivable conclusion to draw, I feel confident moving on with the story.
The first spotting of a phallic veg at a viewing of the poorly reviewed film occurred at the Hayden Orpheum cinema in Sydney, Australia, when the company tweeted an image of an employee holding the presumably used gourd with, “That awkward moment when you find a cucumber in the cinema after a Fifty Shades session…”.
That awkward moment when you find a cucumber in the cinema after a Fifty Shades session…😳 pic.twitter.com/FafcJX5gFB— Hayden Orpheum (@haydenorpheum) February 13, 2017
Considering prevalence of fake news, many believed this random appearance was a shoddy PR attempt by the cinema. (According to interactions on Twitter, the cinema vehemently denies such accusations.) While skeptics continue to argue this fact, it’s tough not to defend the theater, especially after another tweet entered the discussion, this time showing not one but two—two!—cucumbers on a theater floor in Norway, confirming that this is not just a single instance, but perhaps a trend.
As of this posting, there have been no other sightings, but we’re keeping an eye out. But should this continue, it’s probably important to note that if you’re going to use a vegetable for masturbation, you should definitely wash it beforehand, as this will avoid any chemicals and pesticides from going inside you. Another good idea is to place a condom on your cucumber, as this will also help avoid potentially dangerous chemicals, but will also make this sort of masturbation much more comfortable. And if you’re out of lube, opt for coconut oil. Do not—I repeat, do not—use popcorn butter. If you’re already bringing a long, girthy cucumber into the theater, what are they going to say about an inconspicuous jar of coconut oil?
Finally, if public masturbation with produce isn’t your thing, you do have the option to sext with Christian Grey himself, courtesy of PersonaBots.com, who released an incredibly charming Christian Grey chatbot that promises to make all of your Fifty Shades fantasies come true. You can check him out here.