Valentine’s Day is around the corner and if there’s one thing this sad excuse of a holiday is perfect for, it’s gifting and receiving presents. And thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey, this will be the year your loved ones switch up the heart-shaped chocolates for some steamy, get-your-freak-on S&M romance.

If you’re a sane person, you would rather have your nethers repeatedly waxed by a Russian lady at some shady nail salon in the boonies than read the 514 pages that make up the best selling (and most predictable) erotic novel of all time. But it’s the thought that counts, right? Receiving a porn novel as a present may be confusing, which is why we’ve crafted a list of what it means when you get FSOG as a gift from someone who loves you…or clearly lusts after you.

Your mom knows you’ve been deflowered and is worried your sex life is as shitty as your SAT scores. And now you’re using the words “mom” and “sex” in the same sentence and you’ll never be able to have sex again.

Your dad does not root for the same football team you do but he’s hoping you two can bond over bondage.

Apparently your sweet Gramma is a very freaky girl, the kind you don’t take out to bingo night.

Okay, relax, your next-door neighbor is totally not trying to bang you… (Real talk, they definitely want to bang you.)

Tired of listening to the deafening silence coming out of your bedroom, your roommate is just being civil and is giving you her hand-me-down. Besides, she’s since moved on to PornHub.

Borrow your grandma’s sexy tools — you know she’s got ‘em — and start building that secret sex dungeon!

Your BFF loves the way they do the dirty in this book but mostly wants you two to high-five every time some basic bitch claims that she found her very own Christian Grey.

He thinks Christian Grey is a real abusive asshole and is hoping that you’ll realize his bj demands are nothing in comparison to what other douchebros out there want.

She thinks you should learn to be more like Christian Grey, sexy douchebro he may be.