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Meet the First Dude Ever Anally Probed by Aliens

Meet the First Dude Ever Anally Probed by Aliens:

For decades humanity’s been warned that we are facing an extraterrestrial threat. And this menace is rectally focused.

Alien abductions were first reported in the late 1950s and early 1960s. As technology improves and fellow abductees can share their experiences more easily, the number of claimed UFO kidnappings has gone up exponentially. The most prevailing element of these stories is the use of anal probes on the unsuspecting human victims.

Whitley Streiber

Whitley Streiber

But who was the first person to discover that aliens share Sir Mix A Lot’s posterior obsession?

That honorable distinction belongs to Whitley Strieber. While staying in his upstate New York cabin in December 1986, he was visited by unique “visitors.” Although he doesn’t explicitly state his abductors were aliens, he describes a creature not of this world. He documented his experience in his 1987 book Communion. Here is his account of the inaugural anal probe:

“The next thing I knew I was being shown an enormous and extremely ugly object, gray and scaly, with a sort of network of wires on the end. It was at least a foot long, narrow, and triangular in structure. They inserted this thing into my rectum. It seemed to swarm into me as if it had a life of its own.”

Now, Strieber is a science fiction writer and some may doubt his claims. But that didn’t stop Hollywood from adapting his novel into a film starring Christopher Walken. (One can only assume Nicolas Cage was too busy for the role.)

Before Strieber’s book, alien abductees did not report anal probes as part of their experience. But after its publication, aliens apparently couldn’t get enough ass. Abductees from around the world reported anal probes as common practice during their times on UFOs. “Experts” debate the purpose of this procedure. Some say it’s to analyze human organs and dietary habits. Others say it’s to stimulate the victim into providing a semen sample. A few Ufologists argue that the practice isn’t even used, but that’s a little far-fetched.

The anal probe has become so ubiquitous in alien abduction mythology that it has penetrated mainstream pop culture. In the first episode of South Park, aliens kidnap Eric Cartman and probe him. Saturday Night Live used it in a gag when, fittingly, Jackass’ Johnny Knoxville hosted the show. Even Weird Al Yankovic referenced anal probing in his recent single “Foil.”

Did Whitley Strieber know his experiences would insert themselves into mainstream culture? Probably not. But if the Internet is any proof, we need to thank him for shedding light on this deep, dark practice and being a role model for future abductees.

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