Newsfront: The Rich Start to Lose It

 

 Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

Time, in its continuing slide into irrelevance, dares to ask the tough questions. In the new issue Jeffrey Kluger wonders, “Is an Ugly Baby Harder to Love?”

Their answer, if you’re curious/clueless, is yes.

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    Eat the Rich

French workers have taken their manager hostage, a British investor killed himself after losing everything with Madoff, and now Germans have tortured their financial advisor. And Americans? Not a peep.

In the latest news of the rich turning against the rich, two senior citizens are charged with abducting a money manager who lost them millions, holding him captive in a lakeside Bavarian estate, and torturing him for four days. But they weren’t alone:

As the financial advisor, who runs investment firm Digitalglobalnet, was bundled into the cellar another couple, retired doctors Gerhard and Iris F, aged 63 and 66, arrived to assist his kidnappers.

Mr Amburn said: "I had known these people for 25 years. I had no reason to be afraid. But as I went into my home I was jumped from the rear and struck.

"They bound me with masking tape until I looked like a mummy. It took them quite a while because they ran out of breath. When they loaded me into the car I thought I was a dead man.

"I was bleeding from my eyes, nose and my mouth. But the nightmare had only just started."

During his confinement in an unheated cellar, Mr Amburn claims he was burned with cigarettes, beaten, had two of his ribs broken when he was hit with a chair leg and chained up "like an animal."

Each of his abductors faces up to 15 years in prison. Casting for the new Michael Haneke adaptation is underway.

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Child’s Play

Fox News’ so bad it’s awful morning show Fox & Friends has finally hit the intellectual Marianas Trench of mindless news programming—at least we hope so. It’s hard to imagine it can get much worse than their Monday segment with the prodigy pundit pit. Yes, that’s right, in a discussion of education and the stimulus package, Fox News brought in three horrifying kids to encourage birth-control for six long minutes, forgetting along the way that no one listens to kids because kids can’t do and don’t know jack shit. One of the Lil’ Limbaughs even drops “Barack Hussein Obama” into the conversation.

Never mind the fact that The Daily Show joked about this inevitability years ago. Never mind that these troglodytic kids actually manage to approach coherency better than any of Fox & Friends’ hosts. But why didn’t the phones at Child Protective Services light up after this segment?

And we hate to break it to you kid pundits, but if you are shoved into lockers and endlessly wedgied for the rest of your life—even long after you’ve graduated school—you brought it on yourself.

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This Should Make Up for the Last Indiana Jones Movie

The head of the Orthodox Church of Ethiopia says he will announce the discovery of the Ark of the Covenant on Friday. The take-it-with-a-grain-of-salt news source WorldNetDaily reports:

Abuna Pauolos, in Italy for a meeting with Pope Benedict XVI this week, told the news agency, "Soon the world will be able to admire the Ark of the Covenant described in the Bible as the container of the tablets of the law that God delivered to Moses and the center of searches and studies for centuries."

Keep in mind that Pope Benedict XVI is a former Nazi—we might very well see a man’s face melt off today.