Twitter can be a great source for up to the minute news on just about anything you can imagine, including all of your cousin’s check-ins at Arby’s. Why does he keep checking in there? Who eats that much Arby’s?
It’s also a fantastic way to keep a seemingly endless stream of hilarious jokes in your pocket at all times. If you’ve been on Twitter for a while, then you’ve been on Twitter for a while, odds are you’ve already found plenty of funny people you enjoy, but you can always use more, right? By no means are these the ONLY funny people on there and they’re not ranked by funniness; this is simply a handy guide to add some hilarious people to your timeline.
1. George Wallace
There is no one on earth better at comedy than George Wallace. Most of the legendary comedians have a bit of trouble translating their humor onto Twitter, but Wallace does it flawlessly.
Don’t call ‘em soft pretzels you don’t know what they’ve been through.— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 5, 2014
2. Eli Terry
Some people are really funny online, but you just know they’re probably awful in real life. Eli seems like the kind of guy you could hang out with and probably not get murdered. That’s a huge plus in my book.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) July 29, 2013
3. Amber Tozer
What’s great about Amber is that her jokes feel like she’s completely coming unhinged, but it’s in that way that we can all relate. That’s the work of a truly hilarious comedian.
If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 15, 2012
Sometimes it’s hard to hard to trust an owl wearing a suit, but this is the one exception I’m willing to make. He’s almost never not funny.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
5. Brian Gaar
Brian is the guy that wouldn’t come out to play as a kid because he was playing through Metroid again to get the special ending. But it turns out that kid grew up to be one of the funniest joke tellers on the internet.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 14, 2012
6. Boring As Heck
Stefan should be a required follow when you create a Twitter account. Even if you don’t want to stick around for his spot on jokes, just wait until the NFL season is about to start when he trolls fantasy football drafts every year. It’s a true work of art.
[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) November 21, 2013
7. Ken Jennings
It’s almost not fair that someone as intelligent as the Jeopardy overlord could also be this funny. Maybe he’s just three tiny geniuses in a trench coat?
If you’re a vegan who ran a marathon & got your dogs from a shelter, how do you decide which thing to wedge into the conversation first?— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 19, 2012
8. Marie Colette
Marie doesn’t write jokes you’d hear on a late night talk show. Her timeline reads like the old men in the balcony on The Muppets if they focused their comments on people who take themselves way too seriously. It’s simply wonderful.
There is nothing funnier than a crying woman yelling “IT’S NOT FUNNY!”— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) August 17, 2011
9. Patrick Walsh
Patrick is ridiculously smart and funny. You’ll find yourself going to his page daily to read his latest observations and jokes. Plus, he’s one of the rare people that are funny enough to follow on Vine.
The first month of dating is just the guy saying “What?! You’ve never seen (movie title)?!” hundreds of times.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 10, 2014
10. Demi Adejuyigbe
Demi will often send out elaborate jokes that go well beyond the typical one-liners you see on Twitter. He also works for @midnight so if your timeline gets flooded with hashtag games, blame him.
4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click’ at my parents’ house and they’ve still never noticed or mentioned it pic.twitter.com/j864rH9eG8— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) November 28, 2013
I don’t think he’s actually a bear waving a gun in the air while riding a shark, but at this point I wouldn’t be shocked. His absurdity is simply hilarious.
[shows up late for first day of new job]— brent (@murrman5) September 11, 2014
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
12. Eliza Bayne
If there is anything whatsoever going on in the news, you can guarantee that Eliza already has a brilliant joke written about it. She’s absolutely delightful.
There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 6, 2013
13. Jason Miller
Jason doesn’t tweet constantly, but when your jokes are as funny as his, you don’t have to tweet a dozen times per day. Almost everything he posts is a homerun.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 1, 2012
14. Peach Coffin
There are some people that write jokes because they feel like they have to or for some sort of validation. Then there are people like Paige that just feel like a fountain of humor in a truly magical way. She’s great.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 10, 2013
15. Cee Joyner
If you’re tired of familiar joke formats and played out, predicable humor, this is the follow for you. Once you start reading his timeline, you probably won’t stop for quite a while.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.— Ceej (@ceejoyner) February 6, 2014
16. Mary Charlene
At this point your timeline is almost invalid if you don’t have Mary in there. She’s a near constant flow of hilarity that anyone would love.
I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 24, 2013
17. Lauren Ashley Bishop
Do you need a combination of hilarious jokes and an obsession with pugs? Your dreams have now come true!
CALM DOWN GAS TANK WE’RE ALL EMPTY INSIDE— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 29, 2011
18. Kumail Nanjiani
You’ve seen Kumail on just about every show in existence and yet he still finds time to be hilarious online. He has mastered taking the things you’d normally considered nerdy and making them the coolest things imaginable.
“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” - Game of Thrones— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) June 2, 2014
19. Molly Kats
Molly takes every single frustration you experience every day and spins them into absolute comedic gold. Plus I’m fairly certain her battle with her upstairs neighbor is going to end with bloodshed, so stay tuned for that.
LOOK AT ME, I’M AN ASSHOLE!— Molly (@Molly_Kats) November 30, 2013
- people backing into parking spots
20. Rob Fee
If you grew up on professional wrestling and movies like Home Alone, this is the account you’ve been looking for. Plus his sports jokes are some of the best out there.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 20, 2014
21. Jacy Catlin
His jokes go to places that you never realized jokes could go. It’s a bizarre world that you’ll never want to leave.
If you are in an area affected by the upcoming extreme cold, observe my Winter Driving Survival Kit suggestions! pic.twitter.com/MACN7jS3jU— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) January 4, 2014
22. Bridger Winegar
You’ve never seen anyone make comedy seem so effortless in the most brilliant ways. He can take something you’ve seen a thousand times and spin it in a way that will leave you crying laughing.
If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 27, 2012
23. Robin McCauley
Robin is another one that won’t flood your timeline, but she’s so funny, it makes you impatiently look forward to each of her posts. She’s definitely one of the best.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.— Robin McCauley Lynch (@RobinMcCauley) September 20, 2013
24. Rad Milk
There is something beautifully absurd about the tweets of Rad Milk. Honestly it’s something you have to experience for yourself to really appreciate.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water— everett byram (@rad_milk) April 16, 2012
25. Charlene deGuzman
There’s a wit about Charlene that makes you feel comfortable while knowing you’re reading the worst of someone truly remarkable. She’s a breath of fresh air.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) July 18, 2012
26. Brian Essbe
I honestly don’t understand how one person could write this many great jokes every single day. It’s like a work of art that we get to enjoy for free.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) September 26, 2011
27. Steve Amiri
Not only does he post several near perfect jokes daily, he also live tweets almost every big event so he can turn the most boring awards show into something great.
28. Jake Weisman
Jake makes being miserable and unhappy completely hilarious. Isn’t that what we’re all hoping for? Plus, he loves cats so now you’re almost required to follow him.
You can find me in the club, asking everyone I came with if they are ready to leave yet— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) December 20, 2013
29. Trevor S
It feels like you should be charged admission to follow Trevor. He ties in every form of media to create a whirlwind of brilliant content you’ll be happy is in your life.
bro what if soy milk is just regular milk introducing himself in spanish?— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) September 10, 2013
30. Maggie Mull
People throw around the word perfect way too carelessly, but Maggie’s timeline may be the only thing that deserves such an illustrious adjective.
I have no sympathy for grooms who worry “this is the only vagina I’ll have for the rest of my life.” I live that nightmare every day.— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) May 16, 2014