Game of Thrones returns for its fifth season, which means fans of the HBO hit series are in store for some sex, beheadings, more sex and some likeable characters being killed. George R.R. Martin does not care about your feelings and wants you to be eternally depressed.
In honor of the season five premiere, I have decided to rank every single character that has appeared on Game of Thrones. The only parameter is they must have a name that gets uttered on screen. So “Random Archer 12” who gets shot during the Battle of the Blackwater will not be on the list. Unless he had a name. And trust me, there were a lot of random people on this list. But here is a completely subjective and not at all scientific ranking of every character on this show.
And obviously there are spoilers in this article. Also I haven’t read the books, so don’t hold that against me.
201. Rickon Stark
The worst Stark. Just the worst.
200. Pyat Pree
Why is this guy so weird looking? It’s very disturbing.
199. Wendel Manderly
Some person who died at the Red Wedding but wasn’t a Stark, so who cares?
Creepy girl in the woods that Bran and his group of misfits meet at the end of season four.
He rides a horse and finds the city of Qarth for Daenarys. Is that really much of an accomplishment?
196. Hot Pie
Look at his name. What kind of person has that name?
Hot Pie’s friend. Couldn’t he find a friend with a normal name?
194. The Tickler
Ok, that’s almost as bad as Hot Pie. (And yes, there is a character named “The Tickler.”)
193. Maege Mormont
Just some servant to the Starks.
192. Viserys Targaryen
Remember Viserys? Daenerys’ emo-queen brother who basically sells her into slavery so he can use Khal Drogo’s army? He was a total douche and we’re glad he was killed with a boiling pot of gold.
He’s a Night’s Watch deserter who threatens to kill Bran only to be shot in the back with an arrow by Theon.
190. Kevan Lannister
Kevan is Tywin’s brother. I didn’t even know he had a brother.
189. Lancel Lannister
Lancel is Kevan’s son. So apparently Tywin also has a nephew.
186, 187 and 188. Joyeuse Frey, Lother Frey and Steveron Frey
Three of Walder Frey’s children.
A giant in Mance Rayder’s army.
A steward at Castle Black who’s really good at singing.
183. Ilyn Payne
He’s the creepy guy who doesn’t speak because he has no tongue and chops off Ned Stark’s head.
182. Tobho Mott
Blacksmith who trains Gendry.
181. Ternesio Terys
He’s he captain of the boat Arya gets on at the end of season four.
180. Daemon Sand
Prince Oberyn’s squire.
179. Masha Heddle
Owns the inn that Tyrion gets arrested in during season one.
178. Three-Eyed Raven
Throughout Bran’s storyline, we keep hearing about “The Three-Eyed Raven.” Then we meet him and he turns out to be some old dude in the woods. Talk about a letdown.
177. Othell Yarwyck
First builder for the Night’s Watch.
176. Addam Marbrand
A bannerman for the Lannisters.
175. Axell Florent
Some dude who gets burned alive by Melisandre.
174. Imry Florent
The Dude Who Gets Burned Alive’s son.
Threatens to kill Arya and the Hound after the Hound asks for two chickens. He fails, obviously, and Arya sinks her sword into his neck.
172. Ralf Kenning
A member of the Ironborn raiders who refuses to accept the peace deal offered by Roose Bolton.
171. Adrack Humble
Kills Ralf after he refuses the peace deal because he wants to take it. Ramsay Snow flays him alive anyway.
169 and 170. Mero and Prendahl na Ghezn
Captains of the Second Sons mercenary company who insult Daenarys. They end up with their heads chopped off.
168. Oznak zo Pahl
Champion of Meereen who gets killed by Daario on the orders of Daenarys. Don’t fuck with the Mother of Dragons.
166 and 167. Gared and Waymar Royce
Night’s Watch soldiers who are killed by White Walkers in the series premiere.
Will escapes the White Walkers in the premiere but gets executed by Ned Stark for desertion from the Night’s Watch. Tough break.
164. Robin Arryn
We really wish this momma’s boy had been pushed out the moon door with his mother.
A Dothraki soldier who gets killed by Jorah when he tries to stop the witch from treating Khal Drogo.
162. Old Nan
A servant of Winterfell known for telling great stories.
Prostitute in King’s Landing who has an illegitimate daughter with King Robert. The baby is later killed.
The butcher’s son who is executed by the Hound, causing Arya’s hatred for him and Joffrey.
Ironborn raider who Theon beats up when he gets a little lippy.
158. Amory Lorch
Lannister bannerman. A letter intended for an ally ends up in the hands of an enemy because of Amory’s illiteracy.
Dothraki soldier who acts as Daenarys’ bodyguard. Isn’t that Jorah’s job already?
155 and 156. Irri and Jhiqui
Handmaidens to Daenarys.
153 and 154. Jonos Bracken and Galbart Glover
Bannermen of the Starks.
Archer in the Brotherhood Without Banners.
Guard who Tyrion bribes to get a hearing from Lysa Arryn when he’s held as her prisoner.
150. Jory Cassel
One of the men who finds the direwolf pups in season one.
A mysterious witch-like woman who helps Jorah find Daenarys and her dragons when they’re kidnapped at Qarth.
Singer who performs a limerick mocking King Robert and Queen Cersei. Joffrey has his tongue cut out.
Girl who gets chased by Ramsay Snow and killed by a crossbow at the beginning of season four.
Prostitute who Joffrey forces another prostitute to kill.
145. The Spice King
If your name is “The Spice King” and you don’t sell wholesale cinnamon or nutmeg , then you should probably change your name.
144. Vayon Poole
Steward of Winterfell, whatever that means.
143. Jaremy Rykker
Night’s Watch ranger who leads Jon Snow to the tree to take his oath.
142. Robar Royce
Some guard Brienne kills after he accuses of killing Renly.
141. Torrhen Karstark
Gets killed by Jaime when he escapes from the Stark army camp.
140. Illyrio Mopatis
In the beginning of the show, he seems to be bankrolling the Targaryens. But he hasn’t been seen since season one, so clearly he doesn’t matter anymore.
138 and 139. Martyn and Willem Lannister
Both are killed by Rickard Karstark in retaliation for Torrhen’s death.
136 and 137. Violet and Myranda
The girls who seduce Theon right before Ramsay cuts off his penis.
135. Hugh of the Vale
Gets killed by the Mountain during a joust in season one. He wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last.
132, 133 and 134. Vance Corbray, Yahn Royce and Anya Waynwood
Nobles who investigate Lysa Arryn’s suicide in season four. As a reminder:
Prostitute “admiring” Bronn before Blackwater.
130. Meryn Trant
King Joffrey’s bodyguard. I’m not sure if he’s ever had a line or just does whatever Joffrey tells him to do.
A slave who helps convince the others to rebel against the Meereen masters.
128. Xaro Xhoan Daxos
Member of the Qarth’s council who tries to stage a coup against the others to become king of the city. He also steals Daenarys’ dragons, which is always a bad move.
127. Razdal mo Eraz
Slave trader from Yunkai. Dresses like he’s in a 1970s kung fu movie.
125 and 126. Cooper and Donnel Hill
Night’s Watch soldiers who kill the giant that gets into the Castle Black tunnel during the battle with the Wildlings.
123 and 124. The Biter and Rorge
Arya helps save them from execution, then they try to kill her later in the show. What assholes!
One of the Night’s Watch deserters who takes over Craster’s Keep.
121. Jon “Greatjon” Umber
All I know is he hasn’t been seen since season one and Osha is supposed to take Rickon to him. So I don’t actually know what he’s done the past three seasons.
One of Craster’s daughters/wives who kills Karl Tanner when he tries to kill Jon Snow.
Tries to kill Melisandre with a poison cup. As if that would ever work on a witch.
118. Rattleshirt a.k.a., Lord of Bones
Wilding raider. Wears a kickass bone mask.
Tutor to the Stark girls. Gets murdered after Ned’s execution.
116. Maester Luwin
Basically just lectures Bran for two seasons. But he means well.
115. Walda Frey-Bolton
Walder Frey’s daughter who marries Roose Bolton following the Red Wedding. I don’t know if she’s even said a line.
114. Vardis Egen
Killed by Bronn during Tyrion’s trial by combat that’s ordered by Lysa Arryn.
113. Mandon Moore
Also tries to kill Tyrion at the Battle of the Blackwater, but also fails.
112. Walder Rivers
Walder Frey’s bastard son that kills Catelyn Stark.
111. Myrcella Baratheon
One of “Robert” and Cersei’s daughters. She gets sent away to some island, I think.
Helps Theon destroy Winterfell, then betrays him and gives him to Ramsay Snow.
His parents are murdered by Wildlings, but he’s taken in by the Night’s Watch at Castle Black.
108. Mag the Mighty
He’s the Giant that decided that even though the Wildlings were going to lose at Castle Black, he was still going to tear open the gate and kill some people. He’s dead now.
107. Rickard Karstark
Rickard defies Robb Stark and kills two Lannisters after his son is killed. Don’t mess with the King of the North.
A former maester who tends to Jaime’s missing hand, gives him the fake hand and tries to help the Mountain after he kills Oberyn. Apparently he loves everyone’s favorite characters getting murdered.
After Daenerys takes over Meereen, Fennesz asks to allowed back into slavery because it’s the only life he knows.
102, 103 and 104. Genna, Kayla and Marei
Prostitutes who are hired by Tyrion to service Podrick.
The pyromancer who helps create the wildfire used in the Battle of the Blackwater. He has quite the “explosive” presence.
100. Edmure Tully
Catelyn Stark’s brother. He’s just locked in a dungeon somewhere. Sucks for him.
99. Roslin Tully
Edmure’s wife and the only attractive daughter of Walder Frey.
Male prostitute who seduces Loras Tyrell in season three then takes over Littlefinger’s brothel in season four. He doesn’t mind a good orgy when it arises.
The actor who played Orell also played Gareth in the British version of The Office. He’s far less funny on this show.
Leader of the cannibal Wildlings. He’s pretty terrifying, as most cannibals tend to be.
95. Thoros of Myr
He’s a priest who keeps resurrecting Beric Dondarrion. Seems like being able to bring people back from the dead should be more important.
94. Karl Tanner
After he and the other members of the Night’s Watch kill Craster, Karl basically becomes the new Craster. Just less incestuous.
Not going to lie, it was pretty awesome when he gets burned by the dragon.
92. Timett Son of Timett
When you take the leader of one of the hill tribes to King’s Landing, there’s going to be some funny fish out of water stories. It’s like Crocodile Dundee set in Westeros.
91. Eddison Tollett
Member of the Night’s Watch who participates in the Mutiny at Craster’s Keep, but learns the error of his ways and joins back up with Jon Snow and the gang.
90. Mace Tyrell
The Tyrell patriarch. Also the worst Tyrell.
89. Tycho Nestoris
He works for the Iron Bank of Braavos, but more importantly he’s played by the same actor as Mycroft Holmes on BBC’s Sherlock.
88. Rodrik Cassel
Trains Robb, Theon and Jon Snow how to fight. Gets executed by Theon after the siege of Winterfell. Dick move, Theon.
87. Selyse Baratheon
Wife of Stannis. The fact that she’s so willing to lock her daughter in her room and worship some sexy Priestess is a little disturbing.
86. Janos Slynt
Slynt’s just a Lannister lapdog. First he arrests Ned Stark, then he kills Robert Baratheon’s bastards. Thank the Nine Tyrion sent him to Castle Black. This dude deserves a good White Walker beheading.
Mago is the person who stands up to Drogo about Daenarys trying to change traditions, and ends fighting the Khal and gets killed. But the wounds he inflicts causes Drogo’s death. So…we’ll call it a draw.
All of Jon Snow’s friends at Castle Black are pretty lame. Grenn’s slightly less lame because he decided to go on a suicide mission to kill a Giant during the Battle of Castle Black.
83. Hizdahr Zo Loraq
A former slave master at Meereen who becomes an ambassador for Daenarys.
I take that back. Pyp’s alright too. He goes on Jon Snow’s mission to kill the deserters at Craster’s Keep. And he dies after getting shot by Ygritte, which is a very honorable death.
81. Alton Lannister
Alton shares a heart-to-heart moment where he and Jaime talk about the difficulties of beign a Lannister, then Jaime murders him so he can escape their jail cell. Must’ve been a confusing moment for him.
Leader of the Stone Crows who Tyrion helps enlist to the Lannister war effort against the Arryns and Starks.
79, Matthos Seaworth
It’s too bad Matthos died at Blackwater. Perhaps things would’ve played out differently for his father otherwise.
78. Salladhor Saan
Pirate friend of Davos. He’s also really bad at telling jokes.
To see the rest of the rankings, click here.
Joseph Misulonas is an editorial assistant for Playboy.com. He had way too much time on his hands to be able to do this. He can be found on Twitter at @jmisulonas.