By now, you’ve almost certainly seen pictures of the massive alligator that was pulled out of a swamp in Alabama over the weekend. If not, great news, that’s it in the picture above. You can see a lot more at AL.com.
First, though, a few questions.
5. Why is no one reporting how it was killed?
Sure, “1,000-pound alligator killed in Alabama” is a snappy headline. That said, isn’t “Alabama Woman Shoots Massive Gator In the Head with .20 Gauge Shotgun While Children Look On” way snappier? Maybe not, but that’s a way more accurate summary of the events. Granted, they’re a family of hunters (as are all families in Alabama), so those proposed changes actually make it sound a bit more scandalous than it deserves, but hey, don’t shoot innocent alligators in the head if you don’t like controversy.
4. What are they going to do with it now?
The source ends the story with a promise that Alabama’s strongest gator will be sent off to a taxidermist to be skinned, but that the family isn’t sure what they’ll do with it after that. Why not? You just took down the closest thing we have to a dinosaur on this planet. Build an addition onto your house if you need to, but you keep that gator. If nothing else, it will scare the shit out of any other gators that might invade your home in the future.
3. Wouldn’t it be way cooler if it was still alive?
As fun as the sight of an animal whose only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time strung up on a backhoe in the town square might be, it’s also kind of sad, right? Far be it from us to endorse keeping wild animals in captivity, but this one? Sure. This is basically a real life movie monster. Who wouldn’t want to watch it frolic around in the dreary confines of a zoo for a bit?
2. What’s with the pearl necklace?
The original source from which this gator frenzy sprung forth makes a huge deal about how the woman who shot the gator promised to wear a pearl necklace if she ever got to go gator hunting. She did and she did. That’s all to the good, but can we get some insight into how that choice came about? Because it’s unspeakably strange, especially if you initially just skimmed the article without noticing all the jewelry talk, only to be confronted with this closing sentence:
“Looks like it might be a while before Stokes’ pearl necklace again sees the fading light of a gator-hunting night’s begin.”
Would it even be possible for that to sound more like porn than it does already? Please, someone, make the pearl necklace make sense for us.
1. Did the gator cause the visible damage to that guy’s jorts?
Come on, guy on the far right. Everyone else at least had the decency to put on a pair of jeans. Would it have killed you to make yourself a bit more presentable knowing you were going to have your picture taken? Unless the gator actually caused that unsightly tear (in which case you should wear them daily), put on some goddamn pants.