Everybody crushes on fictional characters. For the sake of inclusivity, I’ll admit that one of my earliest crushes was Misty from Pokémon. I don’t know what it was about her exactly, but something about those scant overalls drove me wild. Of course, what crushed me was the fact that I knew I never had a chance with her… because, you know, she wasn’t real. That, and I’m pretty sure she was low-key banging Ash.

Thanks to the nerd-centric sex shop Geeky Sex Toys, however, some fictophiles can be one step closer to living out their greatest delusions—er, fantasies. By this I mean you can finally fuck cartoons. Kind of.

The Australia-based shop, whose primary aim is to “change the stigma around adult toys by re-imagining them in a fun and nerdy way,” has just released its newest and most exciting collection yet, Orgasms of the Galaxy.

To coincide with this week’s theatrical release of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, the collection doesn’t leave a single character out of the mix—no matter how twisted the result. Here are our favorite top-billed players.


STAR-LOAD
Most women I know would bang Chris Pratt within an inch of his life, so it’s safe to say Star Lord’s toy—the most expensive in the collection at $99—will fly off shelves. Grab one quick and, as the website puts it, “let this legendary outlaw rock your world.”

Star Load

Star Load

ROOT AND MINI-ROOT
If you’ve ever found yourself confusingly attracted to nature and foliage, you can safely explore this curiosity with “Root,” a dildo, and “Baby Root,” a butt plug. Judging by their heavily textured surfaces (Groot is a tree, after all), these two options look quite painful. Then again, some people are into that.

Root

Root

RANDY
This one’s kind of fun. If you’re a fan of Rocket Raccoon (or Bradley Cooper in any role ever) this butt plug—fastened with a cute racoon tail—is definitely the toy for you, weirdo. And don’t worry your little heads, animal lovers: the fur is fake. The fact that you’ll have a tail hanging out of your butt, however, is most definitely not.

Randy

Randy

CUMORA
Finally, a toy for the guys. Inspired by Zoe Saldana’s character Gamora, a lethal alien assassin, her toy is pretty much a neon green male masturbator (a Fleshlight, if you will) with unfamiliar and cyber-like textures, created to feel like an actual alien’s vagina.

Cumora

Cumora

DIX THE DESTROYER
Like Dave Bautista himself, this thing is huge. Definitely not for the faint of heart. If the size isn’t enough to intimidate you, the bizarre and layered textures most definitely will. There are skulls on the thing for crying out loud. Skulls!

Dix

Dix


All of the toys in the collection retail between $50 to $100. But if Guardians isn’t your beat, you can stock up on items inspired by Star Wars, Pokémon and Game of Thrones. Be careful out there, nobody needs to poke an eye out.

Check out a promo for the collection below: