Today is the most sacred day of the year: the anniversary of the manifestation of the space goddess Beyonce on our earthly plane. There will be parties. There will be parades. There will be dancing in the streets and worship at temples devoted to her beauty. Personally, I’ll even take a trip in the way-back machine and listen to the album that made me love her, 1999’s Destiny’s Child magnum opus “The Writing’s On The Wall.” You may be asking yourself, “But lady, how the hell am I supposed to celebrate #BeyDay?” Well, I’ve got ten excellent suggestions for you, fellow member of the Beyhive.
Shake that ass
Beyonce’s booty is so legendary and glorious that she and Destiny’s Child once made a song about it called “Bootylicious.” Said jam also starts with a sick riff from the Stevie Nicks classic “Edge of Seventeen,” and Stevie is in the freaking video! In honor of Beyonce’s respect for this New Age witch industry pioneer, shake your butt around to a playlist comprised entirely of Beyonce/Stevie tunes. You haven’t lived until you’ve twerked to “Bills Bills Bills” and “Rhiannon” in rapid succession.
Join a power couple
Whether it’s the town mayor or the gal who runs your IT department, there’s a power player out there for you. Bey and Jay rule the world, of course, but you can at least rule your little corner of it. Find your local comptroller and get on it.
Beyonce does not do subtle. Beyonce does not go gentle into that good night. Beyonce does sparkle and flash and glamour and so should you (yes, even if you are a dude). Emulate her in-your-face style by bedazzling all your old college football t-shirts and wearing your underpants on your head.
Have an awesome baby
Blue Ivy is the awesomest baby of all time. She is so awesome that when a BET program recently made fun of her hair, BET shut the program down for a week. Learn from the mistake of the writers for 106 & Park: Blue Ivy is to be treated only with the utmost respect and adoration. Your baby will not be as cool as Blue Ivy, but it’s the trying that counts.
Celebrate your sister
Solange Knowles might not be the most famous Knowles, but she is probably the most badass Knowles. Recently in the news for that infamous elevator brawl, Solange is an amazing artist and musician and fashion icon all on her own. Give your sister a call and tell her you love her for being her own unique self. Go on, do it.
Be a feminist
Like any other ideology, feminism is awesome if you make it awesome. It sucks if you make it suck. Beyonce makes it awesome and exciting and accessible and alive and yes, even sexy to be a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. She pulls the strings like a glorious girl-power puppet mistress. And yes, dudes can be feminists too. Feminism isn’t about hating men — does Beyonce look like a man-hater? I don’t think so. If you support powerful ladies in making their own choices, you’re probably already a feminist. You know, like Queen Bey.
Put everything you own in a box to the left
Now this is only for the mean boyfriends and girlfriends out there. It’s time for you to get out of your partner’s life and remember that “In the closet/that’s my stuff/if I bought it/please don’t touch.” Then GTFO because your beloved has got better shit to do, like the “Single Ladies” dance.
Start an empire
Beyonce’s reach is powerful. She has a legendary team that protects her image, her music, her life. Get together the best people in your life and make them your Bey Squad. Their job is to squash the haters, spread the love, and always make sure your hair looks excellent.
Support your friends
Remember when Frank Ocean came out as bisexual on Tumblr and everybody was going nuts and Beyonce posted a message of support via Instagram? No? Okay, so maybe I know too much about Beyonce. Anyway, Beyonce uses her power for good and shows love and loyalty to those who do so in return. She is like a saint or perhaps a bodhisattva in this way, obviously. Follow her path.
Remember to keep growing
Beyonce never stops changing and evolving. The fashion, the music, the look always shifts but the glorious talent remains the same. So go to your barber today and say, “Hey, take a little MORE off the sides than usual.” Then take that look to the roller rink and blow big gum bubbles while bopping in time to the music. It’s a great way to finish up Bey Day.