Heidi and Spencer: How to Be Famous

Reality television couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt readily concede that they don't care what's being said about them as long as something is being said. America loves to hate them and they delight in being despised. The newlyweds and stars of MTV’s hit reality series The Hills are unabashed about their blatant publicity stunts and proudly admit that raising public ire is all part of their grand master plan to remain in the pop culture limelight for as long as possible. Now the pair has decided to divulge the not-so-secrets to their success. Their latest endeavor is How to Be Famous, a "Fame for Dummies" how-to guide written for shameless attention-seekers hoping to become celebrities for no discernible reason.

As self-proclaimed experts on the subject, "Speidi" dishes out advice on “looking the part, playing the press and becoming a tabloid fixture." The platinum pair offers up such nuggets of wisdom as "remember that every little fight with the person you're dating should become a headline" and "having a conscience is for losers." Social strategies and roles are named after the celebrities who inspired them: Moving through increasingly famous dating partners for the purpose of upping your Hollywood stature is dubbed "The Jennifer Garner Approach," and boring, sweet girls who get dumped for exciting bad girls are "Jennifer Anistons." (Heidi strongly advises against being a Jennifer Aniston because "bitches get the guy.") All of this may sound ludicrous, and, it is. Be that as it may, Speidi is laughing all the way to the bank.

PLAYBOY: What led you to decide to write this particular book together, and how long did it take to do it?
SPEIDI: They always say, "Write what you know," and we know how to be famous. Plus, we're extremely giving people. What good is having all of this knowledge if you don't share it with others for the low, low price of $19.99, available online and at bookstores everywhere? As for how long it took, it was only as long as it took to dictate. This book didn't require much planning or thought from us. It's like if you asked Michael Jordan to write a book on how to dunk, or Bono to write one on how to be a rock star.

PLAYBOY: Aren't you worried that revealing your strategies for becoming a celebrity and remaining in the public eye may have a detrimental effect on your fame?
SPEIDI: Not worried at all. Our fame has never been about being liked. Being liked is fine, and we always love it when people come up to us and say nice things—which happens more than you think—but we're famous because we always keep people guessing. What's more surprising than a famous person actually telling people how they did it?

PLAYBOY: Are there things that you don't reveal in the book because you'd rather keep some information to yourselves?
SPEIDI: We pretty much put it all out there, except for what we're going to reveal in How to be Famous II.

PLAYBOY: You reference Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the book as two stars who really know how to manipulate the press to their advantage. Are you at all concerned that they may have a negative reaction to your description of them?
SPEIDI: Well, we wouldn't want to piss them off. She might steal Spencer—you know, because she steals people's husbands! But seriously, we'd love to sit down and discuss fame with them. Consider this your formal invitation, Brangelina. Let's hang out sometime. We'll be SpeidiLina!

PLAYBOY: Overall the book has a light-hearted tone and you guys seem to be poking fun at yourselves. Did you have some laughs at your own expense when you were writing it?
SPEIDI: One of the points we make in the book is that you have to take your job of being famous seriously, but you can't take yourself seriously. People who can't laugh at themselves make for lousy people and even worse celebrities.

PLAYBOY: What's on your agenda in 2010?
SPEIDI: We're going to adopt an African baby, date Vince Vaughn, shave our heads, pretend Spencer is trapped in a balloon and have octuplets.

Heidi's Guide to Haterade

In chapter three of How to Be Famous, Heidi explains how to play the role of the bombshell. Apparently it's a delicate balance of sweet and bitchy, and it is imperative that you have the ability to let someone know you hate them without saying a word. Thankfully, Heidi provides a four-step tutorial, complete with photos:




STEP 1: Exhale deeply, drop your shoulder and look straight down. This conveys the idea that you've just had a fit of rage, but you've contained it, breathed it out, and controlled yourself. It's also a great setup for what is to come.






STEP 2: Turn your head slightly to one side, dart your eyes over to the same side and gently separate your lips. This tells your target that you're so disgusted by them, you can't even stand to look at them. By moving your head and eyes you've got their attention, but by not making eye contact with them you're giving them the chilly reception they deserve. By opening your mouth ever so slightly, you give the impression that you MIGHT say something that again will have them on the edge of their pathetic seat.





STEP 3: Turn your head in the opposite direction, tilt it up slightly, and roll your eyes all the way up to that side. This way your line of sight goes right over theirs. You're basically telling them that you would rather look ANYWHERE—down, left, up or right—except their grimy little face. That is, until...





STEP 4: Repeat Step 1's exhale and shoulder drop, but this time look them square in their beady little eyes. At this point, they've followed your eyes all around the room and will be jarred when you finally stare them down. You've taken two deep breaths, so you're calm, not frantic, which will definitely disturb them. You've set up the perfect bitch slap without having to lift a finger. Remember, your eyes are the windows to your soul, and they should see as clearly as possible that your soul is about to kick their soul's ass.




Photos courtesy of Pacific News