News broke recently that famed Japanese icon and own-section-in-Hot-Topic-haver, Hello Kitty, isn’t really a cat at all. It’s a revelation that almost certainly produced a flood of tears in scores of tweens all across Japan. The cat’s got a rabid fan base, there’s no denying that.
Except, she’s not a cat, right? Wrong. Here’s the thing, if the makers of Hello Kitty were going to correct this massive misunderstanding, they should have done it a long, fucking time ago. It’s 2014. We’re only hearing this news because we’re “celebrating” the 40th anniversary of Hello Kitty this year. Most of you haven’t been alive for nearly as many years as these people have had to clear this shit up.
Now, when the need for attention is at its highest, we finally get word that Hello Kitty is not a cat, but instead, a little British girl with a heart of gold.
Sorry, but no she’s not. For starters, she’s got whiskers, pointy ears, and the complexion of a feline covered in silky white fur. Aside from the part where a constant dearth of available sunlight leaves the average resident’s complexion a similar shade of white, there’s nothing “little-British-girl” about her.
Also, just look at the “evidence” the creators have provided to support their claim. For example, they argue that because she walks upright, she can’t possibly be a cat. Okay, well, Garfield walks upright, no one’s calling him a middle-aged dude who never leaves the house. Cats don’t eat lasagna, either, but if you were arguing that Garfield isn’t a cat, that’s not a point that’s likely to hold up in court.
To put it another way, the laws of science do not govern your cartoon cats. Not a single one of them. That Hello Kitty doesn’t walk on all fours is not a compelling argument that she’s not a cat, because, you know, she’s not a cat. She’s a figment of someone’s imagination. If you want her to be a cat, she’s a cat. That’s how imaginations work.
Hey, happy anniversary, though! You’re a really good kitty!
Adam is a cat person who would love to be your friend on Twitter.