Hey, just because someone is a little dim doesn’t mean that they can’t accomplish great things. Just look at that Tom Hanks movie where he eats nothing but chocolates and shrimp, and gets in a fistfight at a Black Panther rally, and marries a woman dying of AIDS. So, see? There is still hope for the people who uttered the following unbelievably unintelligent words:
1. Someone wasn’t paying attention during the Kindergarten weather lesson
I once got one of those “deep wisdom” forward emails saying something like, “Which one is greater, Sun or Moon? The answer is The Moon because Sun shines in the day when there is already light available. But moon shines in the night when there is no light.” The most downright moronic thing on so many levels. I felt like being hit on the head with a giant hammer. To this day, I rage when I think of the person who made it.
2. This is called lacking foresight
“Why does the elevator have a button for the floor I’m on? So stupid!”
3. Listen to the expert
I overheard someone talking to an IT staff member and said the following. “The computer restarts much faster when I push the power button on the screen.” “But that just shuts off the screen.” “No it doesn’t. It reboots my computer super fast, you don’t know much about computers if you never knew that before.”
4. Not sure this person has healthy hygiene habits
“I can’t take a bath! I’m pregnant, the baby would drown.”
5. Because it invented the calendar, duh
“How does the earth know how long a year takes?”
6. This person struggles with simple arithmetic
“You’d have to be going awful fast to go a mile a minute though, probably like 80 miles per hour.”
7. Are you telling me hippos aren’t birds?
Once at the zoo, I heard a dad tell his son at the hippo exhibit, “Wow, look at the size of that hippo’s egg.” It was a giant ball for the hippo to play with.
8. She isn’t entirely wrong
I was in the car with my sister and one of her friends once, and we drove past a marsh with a bunch of cattail plants in it. My sister said “Look, cattails! Did you know Native American women used to use them as tampons?” Her friend said “GROSS!” then was quiet for two minutes, then said, “God, you’d have to catch a lot of cats!”
9. This is just super racist
A coworker, one who I am not very close with was talking to me about a project, then she just said “Why do you squint your eyes so much? Do you need glasses?” I said “ummm.. I am Japanese…???” She was dead serious…
10. Are you telling me those pictures of Jesus riding a dinosaur aren’t real?
When I worked at Barnes & Noble, I had a customer ask me if we had any photography books from Bible times.
11. You know nothing about dementia!
“You’re wrong because I’m older than you and therefore have more experience.”
12. With your lungs?
“If you’re on an island with no trees, how can you breathe?”
13. At least she feels bad about something
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
14. It’s not a problem if you completely ignore it
“If any of you want help quitting any smoking or drinking, come to me, I’m starting a rehab service where I can cure you in a day. It’s all in the mind, guys. That’s why I drink and smoke everyday, cause I can control it to not affect me. HMU”
15. I’d love to see someone bring that to an orchestra
This guy once asked me in band practice if mayonnaise was an instrument.
16. The Hodgepodge Conspiracy Theorist
“I don’t really like Obama. He’s not even American, he’s from Muslim.”
17. It’d be much harder to buy the entire world that kind of Coke
A 5-minute rant about how she would never drink Coca-Cola because of their exploitation practices in Latin America…immediately after offering me a line of cocaine.
18. A man that will live in idiocy
I was at a 5 year old’s birthday party that my son was invited to. The stupidity was not one of the kids. The father of the birthday boy was trying (with much difficulty) to assemble a small plastic toy that the kid had just opened. He looked at me and said “This is just Chinese payback for Pearl Harbor.” I just looked at him like "You want to take that one back? Maybe correct the two things you got wrong?” Nope. He just stood there smiling. Smiling, because he was stupid.