Tinder’s a great app that allows users to look at people in their area and decide whether or not they would hook up with them with a gentle swipe. Occasionally both parties express interest in each other and set up a date. Sometimes these nights are magic-filled as these two previous strangers discover their perfect compatibility. Most of the time it’s really awkward and ends unceremoniously. Here’s a series of some horrific Tinder experiences:
The first person I met on Tinder peed on me.
I pull up to her place that morning to pick her up, and my heart sinks, she’s got a weird limp to her, and she’s much different than her pictures. She’s a bit bigger, and had a face like Gary Busey.
We met up at a mall and just walked around and talked for about an hour, and I left. Over the course of the next 2 hours, I received over 80 texts, about 10 calls and a couple VMs, all of her crying and saying I need to move in with her and her Dad because she’s suicidal and I needed to take care of her.
Caitlyn was a guy.
I totally suck at Tinder. Met a girl for a one night stand. Four months later, we’re getting on a plane to go on holiday together. Amateur.
If I were to describe my experience in two words it would be genital warts.
I chatted a girl up that had a nice dresser in one of her pics. I needed a dresser for my new house. She ended up selling it to me for $10.
This guy sent me a dick pic. It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. He was soft. It was pointed down. It was multi colored and there were like chunks missing.
So we are on my front porch and she goes, “Eew, what’s that?” and points to this toad that hangs out on my porch. I explain he is cool and I knock beetles off my porch light for him to eat and stuff. She walks over to him, looks at me, like intense eye contact, and proceeded to slowly stomp on my toad. I shouted at her, “Wtf, why’d you do that?” To which she replied, “I wanted to make you mad so you’d fuck me hard.” I told her to get the fuck of my property, she flips out, we yell back and forth. I sprayed her with the hose and she finally leaves only to show up 20 min later topless on my deck in the back yard.
She explicitly told me that she is a prude and that hand holding, cuddling, kissing, and sex is only for someone she feels is extremely special to her. She is now subletting my apartment for the summer.
I met a up with a girl so we could watch Frozen together. We actually watched Frozen together. She was disappointed and I was mesmerized, I’d never seen that shit before.
The plan was to go to a house party. So I drive her and her coworkers there. What a horrible idea. We get there and it’s one of the shittiest places I’ve ever seen. There was a 75-year-old man playing Madden instead of watching the Super Bowl. There were kids running around while people were doing various drugs and talking about selling crack along with pregnant women drinking. We all play a drinking game and then the girl goes to go to the bathroom down the hall. About ten minutes goes by and her ex gets up to go see if the bathrooms open. He comes back and lays this on me, “John…. Uhh…. Jen is getting fucked by both those guys right now. Don’t go in the bathroom.” Five minutes later she comes out literally pulling her pants up. She completely ignores me and continues playing. 5 minutes go by and she goes to smoke weed with another guy. One guy goes to check and comes back to let me know, “Yeah, sorry man. She’s fucking him now too.”
I got matched with not one…but TWO dogs. So yeah, I’d say I’m doing prettyyyy well.
She didn’t say a word when I sat down next to her on the couch, but instead texted me. I kid you not, verbatim, “What do you want out if this relationship because lately you have been sending me mixed signals.” Now at this point I have known her less than 24 hours. I told her that I was sorry but we wouldn’t be seeing each other again. She was shocked and stated that she thought that this was just a fight, and all relationships have fights. She then told me I was the first guy she dated that she thought she could marry, and that she was failing in love with me. I looked at her and asked a simple question in return. “What is my last name?”
Dinner comes to a close, we’re waiting for the check, and he looks me in the eye and tells me to look under the table. And whaddayahknow, a flaccid, 40-year-old schlong draped over his Dockers’ zipper.
I download the app…says to sign in with my Facebook. I don’t have a Facebook.
“Hey, I’m not even slightly interested in you, but you need to hook me up with your friend in your profile picture.” My “friend” in my picture was my Dad.
It was my first night with tinder and this girl pops up. She’s cute, brunette, and best of all kissing the Stanley Cup. I show my friends from Minnesota for obvious reasons and this guy swipes her away, looks me in the eyes and says, “She was the one.”
I showered twice and couldn’t get the smell off me. I had to throw away my sheets and request a new bed from the dorm.
Met a girl. Had five awesome dates. Then she told me a car that almost hit us in a parking lot at was being driven by her dead ex-boyfriend.
As I begin to take off her pants, the pants get stuck on her foot so I give a little tug and at the same time trip. POP there goes a fake leg! POP there goes another fake leg. As I get up I’m left holding a pair of pants with two legs dangling from them.
Stripper with a half shaved head and facial tattoos. She told my friend that she had been smoking meth all morning and that she had a boyfriend. We later found out that she’s also pregnant. My friend said it was the best sex he’s ever had in his entire life.
I had a conversation about Chobani yogurt with the first girl I matched with… like a good half hour of instant messaging about our favorite flavors and just weird stuff… we didn’t like the same flavors at all. I then proceeded to delete my Tinder and go about things the old fashioned way.
She rounds the corner walking kinda funny, and wearing weird clothes, like clothes a 12 year old girl would wear. (We’re both 19) She gets in my car and she’s kinda making a funny face. As she reached to hold my hand without saying hello, it hit me. This girl was retarded. Her little brother came running around the corner yelling, telling her to come back because their parents were gonna go crazy. She yelled back out of my open window, “It’s ok, I’m with my boyfriend. He’s gonna take care of me.”
Had the best sex of my life (unprotected) with a bikini model who promised me she was on the pill. She calls me a week later during finals week and almost convinces me I am a baby daddy, but thankfully, CHLAMYDIA SAVED MY FUTURE.