There’s nothing more ingenious than finding out one of your friends is having a milestone life moment or suffering a horrible loss and you give them a piece of cardboard with someone else’s words written on it. “Happy Birthday Dad.” Wow! Why didn’t I think of that? If these are the simple ideas being approved by the greeting card bigwigs, then what gets rejected? Here are 14 terrible greeting card ideas you’d probably not want to purchase.

1. Dad’s in Heaven

FRONT: Sorry your dad died.

INSIDE: Do you have that $8 you owe me from lunch last week? You can just buy my lunch on Monday if you want. Either way is cool with me. Sorry again about your dead dad.

2. Dog’s in Heaven

FRONT: Our deepest condolences on the loss of your family pet.

INSIDE: First God cursed your ovaries and now he’s taken away the small substitute you used to try and fill the void in your life. But hey, at least it’s Friday!

3. It’s a Girl!

FRONT: Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl!

INSIDE: If you spell her name ending in “i” then another congratulations on being a grandparent in 16 years!

4. Happy Birthday!

FRONT: Happy Birthday!

INSIDE: Sorry your wife is so fat and angry all the time. At least you’re one year closer to death <3

5. Stop It

FRONT: Here’s a stupid birthday card.

INSIDE: Thanks a lot for scheduling a party the same night as the Game of Thrones finale, you idiot.

6. Boss’s Day

FRONT: Thank you for being such a wonderful boss…

INSIDE: …and never checking the search history on my work computer.

7. Belated

FRONT: Sorry I missed your birthday.

INSIDE: I probably don’t value our relationship as much as you do so I understand it’s a much bigger deal for you. This counts as a present.

8. Open Schedule

FRONT: Uh-oh, it looks like someone is going to have a lot more free time on his hands!

INSIDE: I’m divorcing you.

9. Milestone

FRONT: Congratulations on hitting the big 3-0!

INSIDE: It’s actually 0.30. I’m Officer Simpson and your our blood alcohol level is absurdly high. You’ll be going to jail tonight.

10. A Kid in Need

FRONT: Happy 12th Birthday, big guy!

INSIDE: My mom made me come to this party since you came to mine. I don’t like you and I’ll still make fun of you at school on Monday.

11. Employee of the Month

FRONT: Congratulations on the new job!

INSIDE: I’m still unemployed. Can’t believe this economy hasn’t turned around yet. I feel like I’ve sent out countless resumes but it just doesn’t pan out. Maybe I could try a temp agency? I don’t know, everything just seems to be falling apart.

12. Anniversaries

FRONT: Happy 40th Anniversary To My Husband

INSIDE: We’ve hated each other for years but it just seems like too much work to sell the house and split up all of our stuff so let’s just keep commenting on each other’s clothes in a passive aggressive manner until one of us finally gives in and dies.

Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.