Earlier today, I read a report from the World Health Organization claiming processed meat can cause cancer. And then I ordered a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit to go with my morning hot dog.

But after reading a second report from ClearFood.com (which is every bit as respected as the World Health Organization), I regretted ordering the hod dog.

After taking 345 samples from 75 hot dog brands from 10 major retailers, ClearFood found that 14.4 percent were misidentified on their labels and had “hygienic issues.”

What do I mean by “misidentified?” I mean your all-beef dog might have some chicken in it, and your veggie dog might actually contain pork.

Of course, mystery meat in hot dogs is nothing new. To quote The Great Outdoors, “You know what they make those things out of… Lips and assholes!” But the “hygienic issues” are another matter.

Scientists found traces of human DNA in 2% of the samples. You know: poop, boogers, and the occasional finger…


Via ‘The Naked Gun’ (1988).

Surprisingly, two-thirds of the human DNA that was found came from veggie dogs, which makes me think of a movie I once saw with three guys, two girls, and a carrot. But that’s for another article. Just be sure and pass this report on to your smug vegan friend.

So, what brands can you trust? The following national brands received a score of 95 or better, which means no “hygienic issues” and no mystery or mislabeled meat was found:

  • Butterball
  • McCormick
  • Eckrich
  • Hebrew National

Was your favorite dog left off the list? Don’t panic (yet). First off, not all regional dogs were tested. Second, some companies scored lower as a brand, but still had highly rated products. For example, the Oscar Mayer Premium Jumbo Beef dog was rated the best overall beef hot dog, and received a score of 97 even though Oscar Mayer’s overall brand score was 90.

So if you want a more in-depth look, click here. And if you’d rather bury your head in the sand and not know what’s in your dog, just watch this:

(Source: ClearFood, H/T: Yahoo! Health)