If you think couples can be annoying in person, just wait until they invade your Facebook feed. Digital PDA is absolutely a thing and of all the social networks, Facebook is the biggest offender. It’s the perfect storm of pictures, comments, events, and posts that grab your eyeballs and refuse to let them go. If you’re wondering if you’re one of the obnoxious couples, here’s a surefire way to find out.
1. Leave Comments That Should Definitely Be Texts
Have you ever seen one of those 30-comment posts with only replies from one other person and it’s their significant other? Why is that a thing? At a certain point you have to realize that no one else is chiming in because no one else cares to read it. Just take it to text. Or, better yet, look to your left, because you guys are more than likely sitting next to each other. Use your mouth to make the words instead of your fingers. Can you imagine??
2. Get Way Too Serious WAY Too Fast
Oh look, they just became Facebook friends. Oh look, they just left cutesy messages on each other’s pages. Oh look, now they’re in a relationship. Oh look, now they’re posting non-stop about how they’re in love and it’s going to last forever and they’ve been together for less time than it takes to do a load of laundry. Maybe save the wedding planning until you’ve been together for every day of the week.
3. Brag About Your Partner Constantly
No one minds if your boyfriend bought you some flowers and you want to post a picture of it. That’s very sweet. But do we really need a picture of the kitchen trashcan with a fresh bag in it every time your husky boyfriend takes out the recycling? Don’t get me wrong, we’re very glad he’s conscious of the environment, but at a certain point it feels like some sort of Truman Show scrapbook and I feel like I know more about his life than my own.
4. Picture Collages
We see what you’re doing there. You’re not fooling anyone. Instead of just posting one picture from your dinner at Red Lobster, you went in and made a big dumb collage of 7 pictures, so we have to look at every step of your Red Lobster experience. Why are there multiple pics of your girlfriend eating cheddar biscuits? And also why did you use a border that looks like a vineyard? That might have worked for Olive Garden, but you mean to tell me you couldn’t find some sort of aquatic theme to accompany these terrible, out of focus Red Lobster on a Tuesday at 6pm pictures?
5. Non-Stop Anniversary Celebrations
Most of us barely stop scrolling if it’s an odd number anniversary celebration anyway. I’m not liking your 7th anniversary pic. Hit me up when you hit 10, 20, or 50 years. These couples, though, they’re not waiting for years. It’s not even a six-month anniversary celebration. They’re celebrating three months since the first time they went to Baskin Robbins together. What am I supposed to do with this sort of information? Should I congratulate you on your recurring dairy-based treats? Change your ways, you monsters.
6. Constant PDA Selfies
We get it; you guys have kissed before. If you were smart you’d start taking more pictures where you’re standing side by side without anyone’s arm around the other, because it’ll be much easier to crop them out when you two inevitably break up in three weeks. Oh, and if you post a picture of the two in you in bed, you should be charged with a crime. I don’t know what crime, but something that causes you to lose internet access for a long time. If that’s not a law, then it certainly should be. Make it happen quick, Obama.
7. Make a Joint Account
I guess this is easier than just yelling I DON’T TRUST MY PARTNER TO INTERACT WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING AND NOT TRY TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM.
8. Treat Everyone of the Opposite Gender Like a Threat
You know that person who you’re sort of afraid to interact with because as soon as you like one of their statuses, you’ll get a message from their significant other asking why you’re all up in their partner’s personal space? They’ve probably learned the other one’s password and go through all their messages to make sure no one is flirting. They probably retweet themselves from their partner’s account and unfriend anyone that might be more attractive than them. Overall it’s a very healthy relationship and will surely flourish into love and affection for years to come.
9. Brag About Things in Your Relationship That Are Actually Terrible
Have you ever read a post and it starts out like they’re really excited their significant other did something amazing, then, by the end of the post, you’re like, “Oh wow this person has not experienced true happiness in years, have they?” The post usually goes something like this: “I have to say, I felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world today. I know I’m bragging on my man, but he truly deserves it. He knew I had a long week and had been watching our 11 kids by myself in between cooking all of our meals and working two jobs, so on Sunday, he came home at his regular time even though the Ravens vs Browns game was going into overtime. Sure he had been at the bar since noon and it was approaching 11pm and he doesn’t care anything about the Ravens or Browns, but the fact that he came home and almost remembered all the kids’ names reminded me of why I fell in love with him in the first place. Sorry ladies, this good man is taken :D”
10. Everyone Experiences Your Breakup
The obnoxious couples never break up quietly. Sure it’s understandable if you post a little status just letting everyone know about your life change, but the truly obnoxious ones don’t stop there. They start posting vague statuses that sort of sound like threatening Mother Goose tales. “Those who walk in the mud had better be ready to clean up their tracks.” What does that even mean? Is someone literally walking on your carpet with muddy shoes? If so, stop posting about it and apply some liquid to the spot so it doesn’t set into the fabric. And if it’s not literal, what on earth are you talking about? I will admit, while this is obnoxious, it is pretty fun to watch. Keep doing this one, ok?