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How to Break Up with a Friend

How to Break Up with a Friend: DreamWorks Pictures

DreamWorks Pictures

Breaking up from a romantic partner can be difficult, but it’s also a part of life. It’s a conversation that lots of people have had, including the person being broken up with, as well as the person doing the dumping. But what about when you need to break up with a friend? You know those awkward friendships where the other person is way more into it than you and, unfortunately, you’re the only one that realizes things just aren’t going to work out. How do you look at someone and say, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore” without sounding like an absolutely goblin? It’s not always easy, but it is possible.

FADE AWAY
This is probably the non-confrontational way of doing things, but it’s probably going to hurt some feelings. When they send texts, you don’t really respond and if you do it’s a day later with something brief and no mention of how it took you 24 hours to answer. “Who was your favorite character on Animaniacs?” The fact that they sent such a ridiculous text is proof of why you want them out of your life. Between that and the outdated, unfunny memes, enough is enough.

With this strategy, you go from responding to their Facebook comments, to just liking them, to straight up ignoring them completely. You don’t invite them to social events and you don’t respond to their invites. Don’t get me wrong, it’s harsh, but it’s one way to get the job done. The biggest downside is that, a lot of the time, this will only make them work harder for the friendship because they’ll believe your excuses and try to work around them so you guys can spend time together.

NUDGE THEM INTO A RELATIONSHIP (WITH A GIRL)
Nothing causes a person to spend less time with their friends than becoming interested in someone of the opposite sex. They’ll get so wrapped up in the new relationship that they’ll forget all about how you guys were supposed to go play Frisbee golf on Saturday. By the way, a good sign to know if you should break off a friendship is if they ask you to go play Frisbee golf.

Be sure to encourage them to use a dating app or to ask someone out from work that you don’t know, because if you set them up with a friend you run the risk of becoming even closer and eventually becoming part of their wedding party, or, even worse, the dreaded double dates. Now you’ve got to deal with a friend you don’t like and someone so terrible they let this person you don’t like have sex with them.

INTRODUCE THEM TO OTHER, LESS FAVORABLE FRIENDS
Why get rid of one obnoxious friend when you could get rid of multiple obnoxious friends? Introduce them at parties and let nature take its course in merging these two ghouls together as one super ghoul. They’ll realize how much they have in common and start doing more and more things together while you disappear from the picture like one of Marty McFly’s siblings.

BE HONEST…TO A DEGREE
It may not be fun, but in this case honesty is definitely the best policy. Just be upfront and tell them the truth. Tell them you don’t have an interest in the things they want to do. Tell them you don’t want to be mean or hurt their feelings, but you guys don’t have a lot in common or you’re just too busy for a friend right now. Obviously you shouldn’t just unload and point out every flaw in their character and the fact that their hair looks beyond idiotic and the car they drive stinks like pigeons, but it might be worth mentioning their terrible breath played a large factor in the decision. Everyone knows he has awful breath. It’s not like toothbrushes aren’t a thing. Be a good person and let them know instead of just making fun of them when they aren’t around.

OR JUST LIE
OOOOR you could just make up a story about work really taking up a lot of your time and how they’re such a great person and you’ll absolutely make plans to hang out soon, but you can’t this year because, you know, deadlines. Tell them they didn’t get an invite to your party because you must have clicked the wrong button or written the wrong address. Just keep being a little coward baby and lie to their face until they stop asking.

MAYBE JUST SUCK IT UP, KEEP BEING FRIENDS, BURY THE RESENTMENT DEEP DOWN, AND HARBOR LOWKEY HATRED FOR THEM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
Lol yeah! Now we’re talking! This is absolutely the way to go!

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