The best fast food dessert item on the planet is the McDonald’s McFlurry. Yes, even better than the Wendy’s Frosty. And the DQ Blizzard. Definitely better than the fresh hell that is Arby’s Cherry Turnover. I will fight you if you try to argue for that shit. The McFlurry—a soft-serve ice cream milkshake with M&Ms and/or (always and) Oreos on top—is positively perfect, except for the fact that it’s never actually available when you crave it most.
Death, taxes and the McFlurry Machine always being out of order: Those are the only three certainties in life. How big of a problem is this, you ask? Try “The Wall Street Journal launched a real investigation into why the McFlurry Machine is down” big. What "the Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter” found was that Mickey D’s heat-cleans its McFlurry Machines for four hours every day, often during peak hours, to prevent the sweet treats from succumbing to nasty bacteria. While I very much appreciate the Golden Arches looking out for my health and wellness, I’d also very much appreciate my goddamn McFlurry in a timely fashion, please.
Now, finally, like manna from heaven, some Silicon Valley geniuses are dropping an app called Ice Check that will tell you exactly which McFlurry Machines near you are currently operational, and which ones are busted. It’s just like the traffic apps that rely on user info to alert you of nearby accidents, only way more important. Ice Check hits the App Store on April 14, which isn’t today, but patience—and the McFlurry—is a virtue.
This reporter did not win a Pulitzer Prize for her work. It was a gross injustice.