How to Have Sex Like a Rockstar

By Amie Harwick

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How to Have Sex Like a Rockstar:

If you’re a fan of rock and roll, you’ve heard of the wild sex romps from the road. “We have this thing called ‘the vault’ on tour, so I can’t talk too much about what happens,” Carla Harvey, singer for the Butcher Babies, told me, “but it never ceases to amaze me what girls will do to sleep with a guy in a band. They drive hours, they bring presents and alcohol and sometimes we only know them by the name of the city they’ve been screwed in.”

Because of the constant travel, it’s no wonder musicians like Harvey are presented with a ton of casual sex. Ryan Shuck, the founding member of Orgy, said that touring creates a lifestyle that becomes the perfect breeding ground for one-night stands. “[It’s] a perfect storm of lonely band guys and women that went out that night with a single-minded focus on seeing our band. So it’s pretty fertile ground to end up in a casual sex situation.”

But it’s not all no-strings-attached fantasy sex. Sometimes these encounters don’t go as planned due to lack of communication. “In the ’80s I found a lady to take back to my room, and when we got to my room she told me that she didn’t want to make a porno with me,” Kerry King, guitarist of Slayer, told me. “I had no idea what she was talking about and we went back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, I looked around the room and saw Tom [Araya], my singer, with his video camera rolling! That was pretty much the end of the sexcapade.”

While casual sex has always been criticized by media and conservatives, the life of a touring musician has an abundance of it and it’s usually fairly positive for all participants. Casual sex is not devoid of emotion but filled with ways to confront both fears and fantasies, negotiate power and authority and focus on what you are experiencing with your mind and body in the present. Sex is not meaningless just because there is not a future with that specific partner. Before we go any further, let’s state the obvious: make sure you’re using protection and don’t combine drugs and alcohol with casual sex. If you feel the need to get more intoxicated in order to engage in casual sex, it may be time to reconsider if this is something that aligns with your value system.

So the question you’re probably asking yourself is: how can you have sex like a rock star?

Read these tried-and-tested rules to find out.

A great way to attract anyone is to exude confidence, be candid and simply be you. A woman who can sense that you are being genuine will be more likely to feel safe with you and be more open to the idea of getting down.. Rely on what you know works about you, whether it is your great sense of humor or your manners and charm.

“The way I usually meet women is by focusing on my passions and actually making myself someone that is attractive to women. I try to be the best at what I do, I enjoy having a ‘look,’ I can sing and play music, many people seem to like my music and my voice, I have had some success in business. I have a story and it shows.” Ryan Shuck (Julien-K, Dead By Sunrise, Orgy)

“You have to be confident and secure with yourself before any lady can feel confident and secure in your company. Just be cool…be real. Put conviction behind your words and make them count. Make her laugh and have fun. There is no formula and there are no rules.” Rob Caggiano (Anthrax, Volbeat)

“It’s as simple as introducing yourself. If she responds to the introduction and introduces herself back, you are halfway there.” Sid Wilson (Slipknot, Miami Vice Sound Crack)

The sooner and clearer that you are able to communicate, the more at ease both partners will feel in what they are doing physically and psychologically. Sex can be tough to talk about, so approach the subject while showing care, compassion and empathy. Be clear about what you want and what your expectations are and make sure to clarify if your potential partner’s perspective of the situation differs from your intentions. The goal is to have a great time and walk away feeling good, not to create embarrassment or shame.

“To ensure feelings aren’t hurt in any sex situation, I try to be as transparent as possible with my intentions and usually that’s enough. If you are not having sex yet, establish boundaries letting her know you are not looking for more than just sex. As long as you have a casual open dialog, you can maintain casual open sex.” Tommy Vext (Snot, Divine Heresy, Vext)

“I typically assume that we are both mature adults engaging in a consensual sexual experience with no unrealistic expectations. When and if the experience turns into ‘more’ is something that we decide as we go. If I engage with a woman that verbalizes or in some way implies more than that right off the bat, I address it immediately.” Ryan Shuck

“The best way to let her know that you just want to have casual sex with her is to be totally honest with her from the beginning. Tell her you’re not looking for a serious relationship. That way if she does sleep with you she already knows it’s just for fun. The older I get, the more I realize that the best way to do anything in life is to be honest.” Rob Caggiano

Having this chat does not have to be overly explicit. It’s not like you both need to bring in lawyers for this to go down! Casual flirtation and interaction are all a part of it, but it’s important to be clear about what you are and aren’t up for. If you are simply looking for casual sex, say that. Let her know that you are looking forward to just having some fun for the night. Phrase it however is comfortable for you, but say it before you get frisky.

“Be present and curious. Ask her questions and when she responds, listen. She will make her motives clear if you can listen to how she’s responding.” Tommy Vext

To avoid disappointment, keep your exceptions realistic and appropriate. Stay in the moment and try to focus on the present, which in this case is having a great time with the person that you just met. If something materializes later out of this encounter, great. If it doesn’t, then you always have the memory of this moment to look back on fondly. Managing your expectations of not only the possibility of a long-term relationship but also the quality of sex is a necessity. With a new partner, the likelihood of communicating all sexual preferences is unrealistic. Keep it simple, have fun and keep the future open-ended.

“I think you need to be able to read people before you start having sex with them on the road. Many women go to shows and go backstage with unrealistic expectations. Music is a very powerful thing for people to latch on to, and many of these women are emotionally fragile. We can be role models, making it abusive to have sex with a woman that you know is going to want more than you will give her, even if that woman has put herself in the situation to begin with.” Carla Harvey

“There is the allure of the rock star fantasy, as well as men using music and poetry to seduce women since we can remember, so this naturally has evolved into the music scene. You could say it is conditioned at this point. There is also the fact that traveling allows little time to spend with an individual from a city you don’t live in or don’t visit unless you’re on tour, so coming into it, both parties are usually aware that this may be a one-night stand. People looking for this will attend these events looking for that or at least being in the environment to feel like they are fulfilling a fantasy.” Sid Wilson

While the sex may be casual, it doesn’t mean you should treat each other with any less respect. Respect her by allowing her to make proactive decisions about the encounter. Be sure that everything that happens is completely consensual. Respect her boundaries about what happens during sex: if she says that certain acts or areas are off-limits, don’t try to give it a second try and hope that she gives in. Respect yourself by staying true to what you know your own sexual boundaries are. It is also important to understand and acknowledge the sexual double-standard. A man walking out of an apartment early in the morning is typically looked at differently than a woman leaving in the morning with last night’s cocktail dress on and messy hair. Make your partner feel comfortable, confident and secure that this encounter will be a safe time for her to feel respected and sexual.

“Don’t worry about rejection, don’t get upset if she’s not into it. Be indifferent. Let her decide and whatever that decision is, respect it. Confidence comes when you have no emotional investment in the outcome. Just approach the experience with the willingness to let the experience happen, whatever that outcome may be.” Tommy Vext

“Manners, manners, manners.” Kerry King

“Be a good listener, especially to groups of women you know: there is no better way to get to know how a woman thinks than to listen carefully to the conversation. Pay good attention to your one-on-one conversations. She will love that you have a good memory of your discussions. My memory gets details mixed occasionally, so this is a great exercise for me since I want to get it right to impress her. Plus, it’s enjoyable to do this with someone you’re attracted to.” Sid Wilson

After the deed is done, what’s next? Remember to stay in the moment. Speak your mind, reflect on how good the sex felt, what you enjoyed, what you are attracted to in her and what you are feeling in the moment. It is perfectly fine to have a laugh, continue to hang out or not. It is up to you whether or not you keep in touch or simply shake hands and part ways. Just make sure to check in with your partner to verify that you are both still on the same page.

“Don’t act weird and get all quiet. Let her know how amazing it was and rejoin the party! Unless the sex wasn’t good; in that case you need more practice. You should be happy and stress-free! You just got laid!” Sid Wilson

Amie Harwick, M.A., is a sex therapist that practices in West Hollywood, CA. You can check her out here: AmieHarwick.com, facebook.com/amieharwickmft, @amieharwick


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