There are a lot of factors you have to weigh out in the election, but the most important aspect, above anything else, is how to bring attention to the fact that you voted on social media. After all, what’s the point of voting if you can’t get a few new followers on Instagram from it, right? It can be a lot, but don’t worry. With this handy guide you’ll look like the most well lit American this side of Lee Greenwood’s American Patriot album cover.
No one on Instagram cares about your political beliefs in the least bit. They barely read your captions and certainly aren’t watching your videos. You might think you need to show your “I Voted” sticker, and you’d be exactly right. But don’t just take a picture of your sticker. Make sure you look like you just walked off a runway, otherwise it’s useless. If you have breasts, affix your sticker somewhere in their vicinity, snap off a photo, and watch the likes pile up. Honestly you don’t even have to vote to make this one about you. Just take a super cute selfie and caption it “On my way to vote! #YayDemocracy #ILoveVoting #ThatVoterLife” and you’re good to go.
This is where video is definitely coming into play because people will watch you do the absolute dumbest thing on Snapchat as long as you put a filter on it. Your instinct is going to be to put that stupid dog face on yourself and add some sort of pun title at the bottom, but you’re going to want to avoid this natural inclination. You’ll want to stick the most patriotic filter you can find on your photo. It’ll most likely be a flag, but they’ll probably also have one where your face turns into the Statue of Liberty or a bald eagle shitting on a French flag or something, and that will definitely be the direction you want to go. Again, you can do this even if you’re not old enough to vote. They don’t mind.
If you post a picture of yourself with an “I Voted” sticker on Twitter, you’re going to get mocked and belittled and your followers will suggest that whomever you voted for is the wrong candidate and the reason you’re voting for them is because you’re a cuck. So what you’re gonna want to do is write a multiple tweet story about what voting means to you and how your grandparents did something difficult in order to give you that freedom. Just add enough buzzwords in there and people will retweet it while adding “THIS!” to it.
Still rocking a MySpace, huh? Well don’t worry because that Top 8 is about to be Top Great…again. You know how it’s full of your pals from school, work, and neighborhood? Not this week because they’re gonna take a back seat to your new pals in Congress. And you’re not just talking about the presidential candidates either. You’re going deep cuts on them because politics are your thing. Xavier Becerra? You know it. Steve Isreal? You just call him Stevie I. Darrell Issa? The D Train! Heck, you might even list that you’re in a relationship with Mike Honda. Politics!
I honestly have no idea how Tumblr works and I’m pretty sure the majority of the users on there are 14-years-old, so just post a reaction gif of Supernatural or April Ludgate and you’ll get 240,000 Tumblr notes.
No matter what you put here, one of your relatives or random classmates from high school is going to say something incredibly racist, so get ahead of it by posting a video called “What Freedom Means to Me.” Facebook counts every few seconds of viewing as an impression, so you can make it seem like way more people care about your idiotic rant than actually do (which is zero.) If you don’t feel like doing an entire video, this is definitely the place to break out your “I Voted” sticker you got off eBay because your mom is going to be super proud of you and will probably send you a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory for being such a responsible adult.
You can certainly make Venmo transactions all about you. Volunteer to take all of your friends to the polls in exchange for a couple of dollars in gas money. Tell them Venmo is the preferred method of payment. Now you’ve got up to four people thanking you for taking them to the polls! You can even take a screenshot of that and post it on all of the other social media pages. Wow, you’re like the human version of the National Anthem.
If you’re reading this, you shouldn’t have anything to do with Club Penguin whatsoever unless you’re deleting it off your child’s device. Seriously that thing is a hotbed for adults pretending to be kids. Also your son Trystan is 6. Let’s give him a few more years before we ruin his life with social media.
AT&T CUSTOMER SERVICE LIVE CHAT
Clearly you have a serious agenda to let everyone know you’re politically active if you’re finding ways to incorporate it into a one on one customer service chat session. But if you insist, I would recommend adding little details into your tech problems. For example: “Hi. I was wondering if you could help me with my phone. I may have gotten it wet with my tears in the voting booth when I was casting my vote and shaping the future of America. Is that under warranty?” That way it’ll appear as though it’s just casual conversation, but really you are showing how woke and responsible you are. They’ll probably even give you 5% off your monthly bill because they’re like, “we can’t have this guy running into overage charges. It might prevent him from posting a viral and therefore earth-shaking tweet. Give this fella $7 off per calendar month. Then screenshot the conversation and post it on all of the other social media sites.
Post whatever you want on Vine. Nobody uses it anymore and it’ll be gone in three weeks along with all those terrible “When yo chick be like…” videos from 39-year-old men dressed like Crayons anyway.