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How to Pass for a Canadian if Trump Wins

How to Pass for a Canadian if Trump Wins: Chris Bernard Photography Inc. / Getty

Chris Bernard Photography Inc. / Getty

We all laughed when that angry yam announced it was going to run for president. Who could blame us? The Republican Party hadn’t had a yamdidate since 1822, and every respected political pundit swore it would never happen again. Well, those nerds were wrong. The angry yam is heating up, and nobody poked it with a fork to vent the steam. Things are about to get messy, and moving to Canada might be the only choice you have left if you refuse to be white and/or wealthy. Here are a few tips from a certified Canadian citizen to help you blend in if you need to make a break for it.

In Canada, firearms don’t have the same kind of sex appeal as they do down south. We won our independence by doing paperwork. If you want to pass for ‘nadian, you need to pretend you’ve never even seen a gun. Don’t say the phrases: “shoot the breeze,” “pull the trigger,” or “I want to use a gun for shooting another human.” If anyone asks, the sound a gun makes is “womp?” If someone gives you a bullet, act like you’re going to put it in your mouth because you think it’s a candy.

Every single Canadian, without exception, has perfect manners. All of our family trees can be traced back to the first Queen of England, and we maintain her standards of etiquette to this day. Get used to saying “thank you, M'lord,” and using the right fork for oysters. That being said, the standard rules of decorum don’t apply in hockey scenarios. Spitting, swearing, and bare-knuckle boxing while wearing knife-shoes are all fair play during the icy purge. Players, coaches, spectators - everybody is encouraged to act like an asshole until the final whistle blows, then it’s right back to Downtoun Abbey.

Americans hate the letter U. It’s the kind of prejudice that flies under the radar, the kind most people don’t even realize they’re engaging in. That’s called privilege, and you need to check it. Deniers will point to the fact that the letter U is used in a lot of famous American words, but the only thing this flimsy argument proves is that Americans are happy to use the letter U whenever it’s convenient, but quickly turn their backs once they’ve gotten what they wanted. Meanwhile, in countries like Canada and the rest of the modern world, the letter U has been integrated into all facets of our favourite language.

You may not know this but it’s a fucking free-for-all when it comes to footwear in America. The floor-cleaning lobby is so deeply entrenched in the political system that it’s corrupted your very way of life. In Canada, we aren’t animals who love to scrub our floors all day, so take your shoes off whenever you enter any private residence. Sometimes during a party you’ll be allowed to keep your shoes on, but if that’s the case, the host will let you know at least three weeks in advance. Don’t assume that shoes are allowed just because it’s a party. That’s something someone who lives in a Trump-led America would do.

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