Renting Sting’s palatial Malibu beach house would’ve been a lot more exciting in the ‘80s and '90s, when the former Police-man was cranking out new-wave reggae classics like “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” and “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” and solo hits like “Fields of Gold” and “If I Ever Lose My Faith In You.” Nowadays, Sting is super into playing the lute and writing musicals about ships, which probably makes the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer an incredibly boring hang.
But that’s fine, because when you rent Sting’s palatial Malibu beach house—which you totally can, provided you have $200,000—Sting himself is NOT part of the deal, thank God, so you won’t have to listen to the 65-year-old Englishman regale you with tales of his childhood working in the shipyard, or whatever. Jesus, Sting, stop being such a bummer.
Right. So. Back to that house. Located steps from the ocean, the King of Pain’s Southwestern-style 1927 castle—I could totally write copy for HGTV—is 5,549 square feet of seven bedrooms, 10 bathrooms and presumably a lot of sex smell, since Sting is a notorious practitioner of tantric sex. (He once said he could go for seven hours with his wife. Good job, Sting and Mrs. Sting.)
According to the Trulia listing, the beachfront home boasts “luxe interiors and dazzling ocean views,” a garden with a pool and waterfall, a chef’s kitchen, a fully stocked gym and a patio with its own fireplace and spa. The listing ends with this line: “You may just want to toss out your very own ‘Message in a Bottle’ and stay awhile.” Like the song.
All of this can be yours for the right price—and again, that price is $200,000—but there’s a catch: It’s a short-term rental, which means Sting can totally come and put on the red light (see what I did there) anytime he wants and reclaim his abode so he can resume having all of the sex.
If you’re just not willing to make that risk, and if you just can’t stand losing this house (see what I did there), then this isn’t the right rental for you. Because you’ll spend every breath you take (see what I did there) wishing you could keep Sting’s beach house until the end of the summer, and not at a time of Sting’s cruel choosing. Roxanne.