The scene: The confession booth at your closest church. You take a deep breath and pass a man who just confessed a murder, but what you have to say is far worse. You sit down, take a deep breath and admit your sin.
“I have not seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens.”
Let me clarify. I have not seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens nor have I seen any other Star Wars movie aside from Attack of the Clones at a drive thru that was double-featuring it alongside the first Spider-Man with Tobey Maguire, who set my ten-year-old loins aflame. All I remember about Clones is that it was long, I vomited some garlic bread on myself, and I fell asleep.
I am not ashamed of this. (Any of it.) In fact, I think it’s important for there to be people who don’t see Star Wars – we are the last teasing bullies of the world, the remaining few in a glorious tradition of stealing milk money and slapping nearly finished macaroni art out of eager young hands. So what is one to do when they have stubbornly refused to see the movie that is so omnipresent that there was an advertisement on a package of fresh oranges I bought this morning?
The scene: A normal party where normal people are in attendance.
Do Say: “Me love Star Wars.” Man, you’re already doing terrific. Not only are you establishing that you saw the movie, you’re using baby talk. People love that baby talk.
Don’t Say: Anything in Yoda-speak. He’s not in this one. I think he died or something. Or maybe he’s in hiding? Or maybe the puppet just broke. We may never know.
Do Say: “The Millennium Falcon is back!” Sure, it may sound like a confusing thought to complete. The millennium is something that happened when your mom thought her Gateway computer was going to blow up. A falcon is something that you saw at a zoo once and probably a decent stripper name. But trust when I say that I googled it, and people are going to shake their heads with respect for your Infinite Wisdom.
Don’t Say: “The Force Awakens was my favorite Star Wars movie.” If I am to believe the twenty to thirty slurring people I heard talk about the movie over the holidays, it’s good without being better than the originals, and I guess the ones from the past fifteen years don’t count either? It’s like saying, “Yeah, Colin Hanks is hot, but not as hot as Tom Hanks.”
Do Say: “Han shot first.” You don’t even need to listen to the three-hour discussion that comes immediately after. Just say it and then start drinking.
Don’t Say: “Where is Jar Jar Binks? I loved him.” Even if that’s how you feel because he was the only character you can remember from the only Star Wars movie you’ve ever seen, and even if you think Jar Jar is a great name for a firstborn and even if you think that they might laugh. They won’t. They’ll hit you in the face with a glass bottle and then you’ll have a bloody face.
Do Say: “I threw up garlic bread on myself during Attack of the Clones.” But — and this is important — end the anecdote there. Your conversation partners will interpret this as a reflection on the film’s power rather than a reflection of a hasty consumption of the garlic bread you found beneath the seat of your dad’s car, and will praise you for your dedication.
Don’t Say: “I loved the eighth season of Big Brother.” This, it turns out, is not what people mean when they reference BB-8. What they are referencing is an adorable Star Wars robot that is easily repackaged as an extra-expensive Roomba, or a sex toy to order off the Internet under an assumed name.
Do Say: “George Lucas sucks.” It’s not going to feel right, but rest assured that this statement will never rustle a hardcore Star Wars fan’s feathers. Lucas has made so many missteps with the franchise that fans were ostensibly relieved when blockbuster boy JJ Abrams took the reigns for the third launch of the franchise, and it seems to have panned out. You stand to lose nothing by being critical of an old billionaire who lives on a ranch.
Don’t Say: “I love Zachary Quinto.” You’re thinking of the wrong JJ Abrams franchise, but take solace in the fact that you’re right to have that opinion.
Do Say: “You have to see it in 3D.” Not only does this demonstrate that you’re aware of the visual effects and next-level sound editing in The Force Awakens, it also indicates that you have between fifteen and thirty dollars to burn on a movie and thus are a middling candidate for sex. Feel free to drop the fact that you bought a popcorn and a Coke as well. Damn, this person has upwards of fifty dollars. Oh, baby.
Don’t Say: “Marry, fuck, kill: Jar Jar Binks, my dad, Jar Jar Binks.” You’ve officially had too much Blue Moon. What are you doing? You can’t even afford Blue Moon. Go home.
Do Say: “Wanna see Star Wars next week?” This is the olive branch they have been waiting for! No fan is going to tell you no, whether this is their second viewing or fortieth. They will say yes, and all you need to do is remain conscious for three hours.
Don’t Say: “Wanna see Star Wars next week? I have a gift certificate that expires and I have seen literally every other movie in theaters.” Patience, young Padawan. There are some things they do not need to know.