DON’T ASK HER TO EXPLAIN THE WOMEN’S MOVEMENT TO YOU
I know all this feminism can be tough to digest—and it’s not your fault. The white, heteronormative patriarchy hurts everyone, including men. Having said that, don’t ask a woman to explain that to you on International Women’s Day. Actually, don’t ask any activist to explain their struggle to you. It’s a waste of their time to have to reeducate men one by one. Do your own research.
FILL THE WATER COOLER WITH ROSÉ
So now that you’re not pestering her with questions, surprise her by filling the water cooler with some kind of wine—be it something white, something bubbly or if you really don’t care about being obvious, a nice Malbec. Contrary to popular belief, we shrill, uptight women actually love a good shenanigan. In high-stress environments, sub tequila. A great many of us love both, so you’ll win either way. Yay for you.
BUY HER LUNCH
You know the saying “If you give a tired, overworked woman a glass of wine, she’s going to ask for another?” It’s true. So if you did the above step, your exhausted female coworker is probably craving pizza right now. Offer to take her to lunch—but in a platonic, nonsexual way, of course.
The women behind the movement, some of whom also organized the Women’s March, are asking allies to wear red to represent “revolutionary love and sacrifice.”
DON’T BE FUCKING CREEPY
This one’s tough. It requires an understanding of subtlety that is often only expected of women. Many men will take this advice as meaning they just can’t seem to do anything right. But that’s the point: you can–and it’s easy. You can tell a woman she looks nice without hitting on her or making her feel uncomfortable. You can buy your coworker lunch without asking about her dating life or, after one too many, if she would rather fuck you or Larry from accounting. You can buy her a morning latté without making a big deal of it. And most important, you can go a day without telling her she should smile more.
IF YOU’RE A MANAGER, LET HER GO HOME EARLY
Why not just let her hit the road at 3 p.m. wind in her hair and all? Well, that’d sort of be the case. After generations of internalized repression and knowing she always has to be vigilant, prudent and financially independent if she wants to break out of the cycle, she’s probably driving a practical Prius, not a roadster, but you know what we mean.
AND IF YOU’RE THE BOSS…
Why don’t you take your happy ass to your office and take a nice long look at the books? Sharpen your pencil and then erase some pay inequality. If you’re a really great boss, throw the women a bonus for all of the years of having to take home less while taking on more.
OFFER TO HAVE SEX WITH HER TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER
Just kidding. Have you learned nothing? DO NOT DO THAT.