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How to Turn Your Lifetime of F**k-Ups Into a Resume to Kill For

How to Turn Your Lifetime of F**k-Ups Into a Resume to Kill For: Columbia Pictures

Columbia Pictures

So, you’re looking for a new job. You’ve found the perfect one to apply for (Abandoned Warehouse Manager), you’re ready for the interview (someone’s got fresh, argyle socks!), but there’s still something gnawing at you: You never exacted revenge on your father’s killer. That and your resume. You want it to reflect your vast and unique life experiences but you’ve made your fair share of mistakes. That’s okay-who among us hasn’t set fire to a Forever 21 during a bath salt trip gone sour or stolen Kevin Bacon’s identity in order to avenge their father’s death? Here’s a quick and easy guide to flipping the script and turning your lowest qualities into highly-valued assets:

Bonehead Mistakes and Personal Insufficiencies Areas of Expertise and Winning Qualifications
Constantly bumming cigarettes from strangers Great at cold-calling
Helped rob a series of banks during Spring of 2014 Team player
Lived inside a well outside Old Man Banyon’s farm for five years Extremely creative with limited resources
Suffer from depression Good at taking painful criticism
Able to allocate drugs no matter how long it takes Highly motivated
Can’t hold a job longer than two weeks Open to new experiences
Hijacked a bus in Rochester, NY to get to a wedding in Rochester, MN Willing to go the extra mile
Raised yourself as a child after being abandoned by your family of wolves Self-sufficient
Able to play X-Box, masturbate, order Seamless, and crush up Ritalin simultaneously Multi-tasking extraordinaire
Currently on ecstasy and ketamine Extremely positive attitude
Close down every bar you go to Willing to stay until the job is done
Showers in different Chipotle bathroom sink every night while employees are consumed with closing duties Strategic thinker
Successfully raised money for a Kickstarter to fund hats for dogs without hats Have a vast network of like-minded people
Makes small talk at bodegas Familiar with/able to communicate in multiple languages
Takes Buzzed quizzes weekly Tested
Started a cult in a Whole Foods in Alaska Extreme leadership skills
Knows every line of dialogue from every Fast and Furious movie Meticulous researcher
Constantly finding a new bridge to live under Great at adapting to new environments
Sold a stray cat to buy a dog from CraigsList that was traded for a new pair of argyle socks Accomplished problem-solver
Blackout drunk Time-traveling detective
Able to stalk an ex on Instagram without them knowing Social media savant
Leaves no evidence at a crime scene Detail-oriented
Once survived on a slice of red velvet cake and a bag of marbles for an entire year Financial management expertise
Dropped out of high school Not afraid of failure
Been in a taxi cab at least once Driven

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