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How Trump’s Presidency Might Redefine Your Sex Life

How Trump’s Presidency Might Redefine Your Sex Life:  MPI / Stringer / Getty

MPI / Stringer / Getty

There has been a lot of uncertainty this week and guys, let me tell you, your girlfriends are concerned. Now, since Trump hasn’t clearly outlined any of his policies, we’re not sure just how much our current sexual health initiatives will change, but he has expressed a desire to defund Planned Parenthood. Mike Pence’s ideology surrounding sexual health, which is anything but progressive, is more widely known—but no one knows just how much power Trump will allow Pence. He might do as little as Joe Biden did under Obama or, more worrisome, as much as Dick Cheney did under George W. Bush. (As Trump has never served in public office, I’d venture to guess Trump will rely on Pence more than he’s letting on.)

Here’s what we do know about Pence: firstly, he has made it a personal mission to shut down Planned Parenthood, having single-handedly closed the only clinic in Scott County, Indiana, which was also the county’s only HIV testing center. He ultimately had to declare a public-health emergency after that action led to a full-blown HIV crisis in the county. He is also strong on overturning Roe v. Wade and wants to nominate pro-life judges to the Supreme Court. He wants to abolish the mandate in the Affordable Care Act requiring birth control pills to be freely available because he finds them “morally objectionable.” He is on record saying that condoms are “too modern,“ “too liberal” and don’t protect against STDs.

How many of those positions will become national policy is still unknown, but if even one of them sticks, we’re in trouble. But, fear not, men (and ladies, too)! If you want to be sexually active the next four years while avoiding an unwanted pregnancy or STDs without breaking the law, all you have to do is accept the new bases of sex. I’ve outlined them below. I promise you, you’ll have just as much fun.

First base: Write the name of your crush on a black-and-white photo of yourself, roll up that photo, stick it in a glass bottle, throw it into the sea and hope that it gets to her.

Second base: Stick two straws into the same milkshake—but don’t drink out of them. That’s going too far.

Third base: Kiss the palm of your hand. Let your girl kiss the palm of her hand. Then high-five each other. This will be known in abstinence-only sex-ed classes as “the Jonas Brothers Shake.” If you’re particularly bold, try thumb-wrestling.

Home run: Eat spaghetti Lady and the Tramp-style, but make sure the strand of spaghetti breaks before your lips touch.

Taboo acts like kissing, touching, and actual sex will remain taboo, but if you are looking for something both salacious and tolerated, poke her on Facebook. If she pokes you back, congratulations: you just received the 2017 equivalent of a Dirty Sanchez.

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