Once the NBA season ends players get a few fleeting moments of civilian life. Some take vacations, some get surgeries or treatment on injuries, and others just start getting ready for the next season. But what about the stuff the players don’t share with the general public? Here are the secret offseason plans of some of the biggest names in the NBA.
1. Tim Duncan
As Tim Duncan has done for every offseason since 1964, when the final buzzer sounds, he cleans out his locker and travels to the home of a gypsy soothsayer and pays her six gold coins. He takes a deep breath then transforms back into dust of the earth where he is stored in an ancient relic on a mahogany shelf until the next season begins. No one knows how old Tim Duncan truly is, but some archaeologists hypothesize that he may have been born sometime during the Cambrian Period.
2. Andre Iguodala
Shockingly enough Iguodala will spend most of his summer participating in, and winning, competitive eating contests. But just like with his 2015 season he will contribute very little for the majority of the contest, then at the last minute, he’ll give an above average performance and win MVP of all the competitive eating contests.
3. Blake Griffin
Who knows what Blake Griffin will do in his spacious and luxurious 2015 Kia Sonata? He’ll definitely be enjoying a delicious foot long meatball marinara sandwich from Subway. Eat Fresh! One thing is for sure; we’ll be able to watch it all on our new Vizio televisions available now at a fine electronics retailer near you. Tired from all this reading? Maybe you need to boost your energy with a Powerbar packed with vitamins and nutrition! Also, shoes!
4. Dwyane Wade
Few realize how much LeBron leaving Miami impacted D. Wade because Wade expressed his feelings in such a secretive and bizarre way that will continue through the offseason. He paints his face white and black like The Crow, wears a leather trench coat, and sits in the rafters of every arena where LeBron is playing holding a baseball bat. Wrestling fans may recall Sting doing this in the 90s. Wade feels just as hurt and alone, but legally can’t express it through Scorpion Death Drops.
5. Nick Young
He’ll spend most of his summer sitting in front of a computer screen creating hundreds of fake accounts to reply to people who claim that he’s one of the worst players in the league and that his girlfriend, Iggy Azalea, is the worst person in hip hop today. You’ll recognize his work because he will literally be the only one defending his play and her music amongst thousands of others talking about how terrible they are.
6. Derrick Rose
It’s nothing but relaxation and rejuvenation for Chicago’s superstar! He’s going to get away from the spotlight for a few weeks and, oh wait…yep he just tore his ACL putting on a pair of flip flops. Nevermind.
7. Carmelo Anthony
Oddly enough Carmelo spends the majority of his summers at Dave and Busters. He’ll live off of nothing but tropical drinks and Maker’s Mark Sweet Honey BBQ Wings, but the most important part is his physical regime. He’ll put $5,000 in a Pop a Shot arcade basketball game and do nothing but shoot for days on end. He never stops shooting. He’ll have someone else feed him wings so he can continuously keep shooting. Even after the game ends, he is still shooting. The basketballs could be deflated and the building could be powered down, but his arms will still go through the shooting motion. That’s how much he likes shooting is what we are trying to say.
8. James Harden
Few realize how much work James Harden does with animals in the offseason. Last year he let a slew of animals protect themselves from the harsh environment by living in his beard for days at a time. Currently he’s fostering a family of sparrows, a Cornish game hen, three squirrels, a hamster, and a homeless woman who very much resembles the Pigeon Lady on Home Alone 2.
9. Lance Stephenson
You might not see Lance Stephenson, but if you’re sitting outside on a warm summer’s day and suddenly you feel a gently breeze blow across your face out of nowhere, why that’s just Lance letting you know he’s thinking about you.
10. Chris Bosh
After years of playing by the rules, Chris Bosh will finally escape and cause chaos all over a tropical island while being hunted down by Chris Pratt and Ron Howard’s daughter. Who will win this battle of wits? Check your local cinema for showtimes to find out!
11. Joey Crawford
He’s not a player, but the infamous referee certainly is a familiar face to NBA fans. Crawford will spend his summer with a telescope watching celestial events soar across the night sky. When asked what he thought about them, he’ll respond, “I didn’t see anything” even though he was looking directly into a telescope pointed at the sky. Maybe he bet on the comet not showing up or NASA is paying him to do it? We don’t know, but what we do know is someone needs to buy that man Lasik surgery.
12. Dwight Howard
Even though all he wants to do in the world is visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Dwight will, once again, spend his summer not visiting his favorite theme parks. “But why?” you ask. It’s impossible for him to make the trip into Orlando considering the number of bridges he burned. So why not go to Disney Land or Universal Hollywood? You’re forgetting about his stint in Los Angeles. Oh well, there’s always a few random Six Flags across the Midwest he can check out and eat metric tons of candy at.
13. LeBron James
Offseason is still a busy time for the superstar. LeBron’s summer will include a strict regime of diet, exercise, and complaining. But mostly complaining. He will complain that he doesn’t have enough help to get into his car. Then he has to complain that there aren’t enough supporters around him to take out the trash. When he’s not complaining he will be spending his time falling down whenever someone is within 6 inches of his body. He’ll complain about that as well.
14. Delonte West
Now that his NBA career is all but over, Delonte can finally stop working so much and spend time with his son, LeBron James. You know, because of the time he had sex with LeBron’s mom. Remember that? It will never stop being funny that Delonte West made sweet, sweet love to LeBron’s mother. Never.