In 1975 Paul Simon sang that there were “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” (then he only listed like 5 of them). In the song he gives advice like “Hop on the bus, Gus” and “Drop off the key, Lee.“ That got us thinking, what advice would he give today? (Since we don’t have buses or keys anymore.)
Send a subtweet, Pete.
Disconnect on LinkedIn, Ben.
Change that relationship status, Gladys.
Drive off in a Lyft, Cliff.
Or take an Uber, Goober.
Swipe that Tinder to the left, Jeff.
Say goodbye on Snapchat, Matt.
Change your Netflix password, nerd.
Sell his stuff on eBay, Kay.
Run out for E-Cigs, Brig.
Delete that Google + circle, Urkel.
Take down her Flickr pics, Nick.
No more love songs on Shazam, Graham.
Rejoin OkCupid, stupid.
Check out on Foursquare, Claire.
Make a breakup meme, Rajheem.
Send a broken heart emoji, bro-ji.
Peace out in a Vine, Brian.
Send an email, Gail.
Put it in a text, Rex.
Take a solo selfie, Alfie.
Go back to Myspace, Grace.
Give a bad Yelp review, Drew.
Take an electric car, Starr.
Change direction on Waze, Blaze.
Give her some gluten, Newton.
Leave in a flash mob, Rob.
Delete his DVR, Bar.
Retire your couple name, Shane.
Take home your Sonicare, Blair.
Tell him he’s been Catfished, Trish.
Write a Tumblr post rant, Grant.
Take back your Roku, Lou.
Block him on Instagram, Pam.
Downvote him on reddit, Betty.
Blog it on WordPress, Les.
Rebound on classmates.com, Tom.
Take out that Pinterest pin, Ken.
Tell her WhatsApp, chap.
End that Crush of Candy, Andy.
Return that iTunes card, Marge.
Spotify breakup mix, ‘Trix.
Unsubscribe from her YouTube channel, Handel.
Leave the country then Skype, Mike.
Spend her Bitcoins on… um… honestly, I’m still not 100% clear on how Bitcoins work. Kirk.
Downgrade her cloud file storage space capabilities on Dropbox, Flop… Knox.
Say it in a hashtag, Jennashtag.
Log onto his Amazon Prime account, and then order a bunch of stuff he’d hate, like dumb clothes or shitty music on cassette or whatever and have it delivered, Rebecca.
Do it over voicemail, Dale. (Kidding! No one listens to voicemail.)
Mike is an actor and comedian based in Los Angeles. Follow @mikeleffingwell on Twitter.