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If the United States Were a Bar, This Is What Your State Would Be Drinking (and Doing)

If the United States Were a Bar, This Is What Your State Would Be Drinking (and Doing): Photo Courtesy of Flickr / Johnny Silvercloud

Photo Courtesy of Flickr / Johnny Silvercloud

Ever wondered whether your state, bestowed the anthropomorphic qualities of its residents, could drink a neighboring state under the table–and what that drink would be? Lucky for you, a community of Redditors have answered this pressing question. The following are the most accurate responses.


Alabama is drinking bud light and Everclear, yelling “Roll Damn Tide!” and beating the shit out of everyone who says something bad about Bear Bryant.


Alaska would be 20 drinks in before showing up to the bar. Alaska would duck out intermittently to drink cheap liquor in the parking lot.


Arizona is the bouncer, kicking out Mexicans who are trying to get in from the bar across the street. Ironically, he’s drinking Tecate.


Arkansas is drinking straight whiskey and asking people if they want to arm wrestle.


California is constantly buying drinks for others, yet has failing kidneys from lack of hydration.


Colorado and Alaska are smoking joints out back while talking shit about California, who is blackout drunk.


Connecticut is a rich white woman sipping a martini mid-morning and silently judging all the other states.


Delaware is that guy who hangs around the outside of the New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and New Jersey friend-circle, taking occasional sips from his Yuengling and mostly being ignored, except when New York has to go past him to get to the bar.


Florida’s drinking detergent it found in the back.


Georgia is drinking Bud Light and driving a Z71 with a Browning decal in their rear window (went hunting twice in junior high) and a UGA license plate frame.


Hawaii is alone in a corner of the bar away from the other states drinking a cocktail from a coconut.


Idaho is drinking Keystone Light and pretending they are part of the South.


Most of Illinois is drinking bourbon, embezzling all the cash tips.


Indiana is in line for the pisser, checking out Montana’s big ass and thinking about how bullshit it is that it can’t buy alcohol on Sunday.


Iowa left the bar to go drink Hawkeye Vodka at a bonfire in the middle of a corn field owned by a friend of a friend’s uncle.


Kansas got drunk off wheat beers and a few shots of Fireball. He also spent most of his time hearing Wizard of Oz jokes and explaining that he doesn’t work on a farm cause he lives in the city now… but his dad works on a farm… and so does the rest of his family…and everyone else he knows.


Kentucky is drinking bourbon and arguing with anybody who will listen about college basketball. People ask Kentucky why he isn’t drinking a mint julep and he just rolls his eyes.


Louisiana is celebrating a lack of open container laws by standing outside of the bar with an Abita Amber or a Sazerac, looking disdainfully at the drinking abilities of all of the other states. “Amateurs,” Louisiana says under its breath.


Maine is wearing an L.L. Bean flannel and drinking Allen’s Coffee Brandy.


Maryland is a Chesapeake margarita. Rim lined with Old Bay. Maryland is also insisting that everyone try his drink because it’s really good if you just give it a chance, but no one else seems to get it.


Massachusetts is in a bar fight with New York over sports.


Michigan is picking up the empties to return and buy more beer. Sure, Michigan has the most street cred in the place, but is also trying to get people to understand about the lesser-known, quiet part of his personality that is a outdoor survivalist with an appreciation for nature’s beauty.


Minnesota is drinking Summit Extra Pale Ale, and will happily buy you one. He’s hanging out with his idiot high school friend, Wisconsin, and his obnoxious brother-in-law, North Dakota, even though he doesn’t want to–but he’s too nice to tell them to bug off. He secretly has a crush on the upper peninsula of Michigan, but is weirded out by her conjoined twin, the lower peninsula. He leaves early because he’s going fishing in the morning.


Mississippi went to Waffle House.


Missouri is sitting at the bar watching the Royals game and knocking back Boulevard Pale Ale, all the while hoping that Kansas doesn’t show up. But Kansas does arrive, and Kansas won’t leave Missouri alone, gets drunk, forgets when to shut up, and now suddenly half the bar is mad at the two of them for a ridiculous political rant Kansas made. Missouri slinks out and finishes the game–and his beer–in the car.


Montana is wondering where all these other people came from, disdainful, while drunk from Moose Drool.


Nebraska is talking about football with Oklahoma and drinking the cheapest beer available.


Nevada has been shit-faced since it showed up.

New Hampshire

New Hampshire carried in signs for his favorite political candidate. He’s drinking craft beer and getting into philosophical discussions with Vermont and Maine, but is open to talk to everyone. He is quick to tell everyone he loves himself, but says so humbly and without arrogance.

New Jersey

New Jersey is downing jaegerbombs and giving everyone the finger.

New Mexico

New Mexico is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted from whatever shots the other states buy for it because they can’t afford it.

New York

New York is drinking scotch and making out with California.

North Carolina

North Carolina is having a schizophrenic argument with itself under one of the TVs. The tech-savvy trendy persona with a programming job is trying to convince the way-too-big-truck-driving redneck persona to turn off the Fox News and go order a local craft beer instead of another bud light.

North Dakota

North Dakota is drinking whiskey in the corner, upset that everyone mistakes him for South Dakota.


Ohio is alternating between liquor and beer just as he alternates between loving and hating LeBron. Ohio constantly complains to anyone who will listen that he hates being where he is but never wants to go anywhere else.


Oklahoma is slamming back Keystone Lights twice as fast to keep up with everyone else, because he can only have shitty 3.2% beer.


Oregon rolls up with a pony keg of something he made in his garage and is trading pints for weed or bike parts.


Pennsylvania is nursing a Yuengling while complaining about his draconian liquor laws.

Rhode Island

Rhode Island is drinking Narragansett pounders and sits on a phone books atop a barstool.

South Carolina

South Carolina leaves first and opens an unsuccessful bar with a few other states.

South Dakota

South Dakota is wearing a worn leather biker vest and has a colt .45 at his hip, but despite his rough appearance many of his neighbors, like Minnesota and Wyoming, come over to talk to him and seem to get along quite well. Other states don’t seem to notice him much, passing him by without second thought. He has a secret though: in his pocket are the launch codes to more than three hundred Minuteman III nuclear ICBMs that he is ready to fire at a moment’s notice. To cope with this, he is drinking straight moonshine.


Tennessee is drinking Jack Daniels, looking to pick a fight with Alabama, and watching Nascar.


Texas is singing karaoke about how great Texas is.


Utah is the DD. Utah ordered a Mike’s Hard Lemonade but didn’t know what “hard” meant and thinks it’s hilarious he’s put his tie around his head like a bandana.


Vermont is quietly drinking a local craft beer sampler, contemplating the current state of politics while trying to ignore the obnoxious New Yorkers jousting with the pool cues.


Virginia is drunk on moonshine and talking quickly in an accent too thick for anyone to understand.


Washington is drinking a variety of craft beers out of a “build it yourself” six pack and casually rolling a joint on the back porch with pot from the local recreational dispensary.

West Virginia

West Virginia smuggled homemade moonshine into the bar trying to get everyone else to try it, but won’t tell you where they got it.


Wisconsin is drinking New Glarus and eating cheese curds.


Wyoming is on the roof with a rifle, muttering about black helicopters.

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