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If Legitimate Businesses Had Porn Site Names What Would They Sell?

If Legitimate Businesses Had Porn Site Names What Would They Sell?:

It seems as though there are infinite porn sites out there on the Internet—that there’s something for you to fap to no matter the niches you’re interested in. But these ventures aren’t always titled in a way that immediately tells you they’re porn sites. They could be confused with all kinds of other businesses, like the following (imaginary) institutions.

Spankwire: A company dedicated to crafting only the finest, most durable and long-lasting bass guitar strings in all gauges. So no matter what bass you’re playing, you can spank the fuck out of it with impunity.

Captain Stabbin: Based in Key West, this company takes you on fishing trips where you have no hook, line or pole. You may use only your bare hands and a bamboo spear that you whittle yourself.

Let’s Try Anal: A company that serves people who need help getting everything together and organized. Let’s Try Anal trains you in the ways of organization, neatness and beginner’s bookkeeping. Workshops for entire offices or companies are offered along with one-on-one sessions.

Happy Tugs: A tugboat freight transportation company that is known for their jovial and accommodating customer service.

Mike’s Apartment: A dude named Mike who lets you stay at his apartment for a reasonable fee so you don’t have to go through those crooks over at Airbnb.

Naughty Weddings: An event planning team for couples looking to have a wild wedding and reception that eschews time-honored traditions. Satanic rituals, Wiccan marriage customs, simple destruction and malarkey, pie instead of cake—whatever you’re into, really.

Money Talks: An agency that represents the wealthy and successful business figures who lecture on investments, economics and cash money.

In The VIP: A company for high-rollers who have been unable to make enough of a name for themselves to gain admittance to the hottest clubs in their metropolitan area, but would like to do so, so that they can impress other vapid people. In The VIP works hand-in-hand with the clubs you’ve been rejected from to grant you one-night access to the VIP room of your choosing.

Public Pickups: A Brooklyn car service. (This one might actually already exist.)

Big Naturals: A nursery and landscaping company that specializes in cultivating redwoods and other gigantic plants and trees that you can plant in your own back yard!

Round And Brown: A personalized bowling ball start-up comprised of some of the best young talent in the bowling ball fabrication game. But they only make brown balls. It’s their thing. #Branding.

Mike In Brazil: A Brazilian branch of Mike’s Apartment.

Monster Curves: A group of former pro skateboarders who now design and build pools and half-pipes so you and your boys can shred in style…in your own back yard!

Team Squirt: Company for water gun enthusiasts who have advanced beyond the traditional Super Soaker, and seek to up their arsenal with personalized neon plastic weapons that pack a powerful punch.

I Know That Girl: A private investigation firm that helps you track down your Missed Connections. Staff includes a certified former NYPD sketch artist.

Teens At Work: A program that enables adolescents to shadow older teens at their various jobs and internships, so they can get an idea what it’s like to work, and better decide what they would like to do for some extra scratch during their high school and post-grad years.

Dirty Wives Club: An international non-profit that allows wives to volunteer for filthy hard labor jobs. Great for women who want to get a strength workout in while bettering their local community.

Bang Bus: A mobile hair salon run out of—you guessed it—a bus. The stylists specialize in, well, bangs of course.


Scott is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter: @ScottMuska.

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