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If Elementary School Kids Used Yelp



We’ve all had a bad experience at a restaurant before, and like all adults after a bad meal, we do the responsible thing and trash the place on Yelp. But what about the youth?! No, they’re not going to the Applebee’s on Route 405 enough to talk shit about the Strawberry Mango Daiquiri being too cold but that doesn’t mean that your average 3rd grader doesn’t have plenty to gripe about. While their handwriting may be shakier, their spelling would probably be better than the actual What if Elementary Schoolers had a Yelp for their unjustified school complaints?

Westfield Middle School’s Cafeteria
Went with friends for lunch after 4th period. Ordered the Chicken Sandwich and French Fries. Food was cold and really dry. Total thumbs down in the flavor department. Since the place also is used as the auditorium and gymnasium the atmosphere is really compromised and the acoustics were garbage.

4th Period Gym with Mr. Klausner
Went expecting great things. Bit of a let down. I was promised this week we were going to be playing capture the flag. Awesome. Got to class and not only were we not playing capture the flag, but Klausner just threw out a bunch of basketballs while he argued with his ex-wife on the phone. It’s like, “Helooo Mr. Klausner, I just want to get outside and let off some steam. I don’t care who keeps the armoire from the den!”

Jazz Band Rehearsal
Look out world, this schools about to get a whole lot funkier. After Toby Simmins got bronchitis again, Mrs. Peters said I needed to switch instruments from tuba to the trumpet. She said it will be easy for me because they’re both brass. So cool. No one’s ever gotten the girls swooning over their tuba playing. Trumpet on the other hand.“Why Hello, Miles Davis. It’s cool, I’ll pick up where you left off. What’s that? You need me to take care of all these girls going after you? Yeah, I’ll handle it.”

Locker Room

Okay, so I had no idea this was going to be a thing. I thought when they said you change in front of each other in middle school it was like when Grandpa says something racist and Dad says, “Grandpa’s just from a different time, son.” I didn’t think they would actually have us all like get undressed in here. What kind of savage behavior is that? I mean I’m all for people to choose their own lifestyles but hey man. I’m changing in the bathroom. #noshame.

Valentine’s Day Dance
It was fine. Pretty standard. Wore Dad’s tie. Mrs. Rapanos from Algebra said it looked nice on me. So I guess that’s cool. Saw Jessica there. No opinions on her. So what if her smile lit up the room and her hair smelled like rain? I don’ care. I don’t like her or anything. I pretty much just stayed by the side of the room. Drinking punch. Submitting Bon Jovi requests to the DJ. Thought maybe Jessica would want to jump/dance to Livin’ On A Prayer. Just cuz it’s a cool song. Not because I like her.


I know what you’re thinking. Recess? 1 star? What’s the matter with you? Well, I’ll tell you what’s the matter. Recess has become an abomination. Everyday, I get out there, take that deep breath of fresh air, and immediately the kids on the basketball team are already playing on the court. Sorry I didn’t hit puberty in the womb like you freaks. I’m now forced to either go sit on the monkey bars like a jackass or go play Magic the Gathering with the nerd group and risk all social standing forever. Recess sucks. 1/5

The New Science Wing Bathrooms
I’m a big fan. Just the sheer innovation that went into their construction is amazing. There’s just a beauty in the bathroom porcelain that will take your breath away. The bathrooms have flushless urinals, because we’re here to save the world. No more of these prison system sinks either, where you stick your hands under it and it only gives you three seconds of water. This bathroom’s got full handles. FULL HANDLES! I’ve never been more excited to wash my hands.

Also, you can draw penises in there.

Texas Instruments’ TI-89 Graphing Calculator
It’s basically the GameBoy Advanced of calculators. I mean, sure it does math and everything. It’s capable of graphing equations in record time and accounts for variables, but you can also write sentences in it! None of this “58008 and turn it upside down” to spell boobs nonsense, this baby really has every letter you need, and a bunch more you don’t. No more studying for me! Now if only they would download more games onto it and take out all that math stuff.

The School Production of Guys & Dolls

I could be completely wrong here, but maybe Guys and Dolls isn’t really the kind of thing you want third graders producing for you. Drinking, gambling, and treating women poorly isn’t exactly making for a great review in the school paper. Sorry I don’t want to smack Karen down on the ground and pretend to shoot a tommy gun for two full acts. Also, none of our voices have dropped yet, so its really a bunch of sopranos singing about how they could really use luck as their lady tonight. Hard pass.

Sex Ed Class
Did you know they taught us this IN SCHOOL? So cool. Awesome. Saw, like, so many boobs. Four boobs. That’s 400% more boobs than I’ve seen in the past 11 years. This is officially the greatest day of my life. I mean, yeah, the boobs were cartoon diagrams and it was an anatomy diagram of a vagina, but that totally counts as seeing a vagina. And the best part is, have it every Thursday. Best class ever. –@StillWaitingForTheTalk

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