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What ‘Pawn Stars’ Would Look Like If Everyone on the Show Were Honest

What ‘Pawn Stars’ Would Look Like If Everyone on the Show Were Honest: Leftfield Pictures

Leftfield Pictures

If you’re anything like my dad, you’ve seen your fair share of Pawn Star episodes. I’m not sure what’s so thrilling about watching a family of chubby men, who have found a way to reproduce without females, operating a pawnshop but people are addicted to it. You can’t turn on the History Channel without seeing their husky faces. If you’ve never seen it, or even if you’re a consistent fan, here’s a look at what it would look like if everyone on the show, from the seller to the sweaty owners, were honest:

SCENE 1: GOLD & SILVER PAWN SHOP, LAS VEGAS, NEVADA

(We see the seller standing in front of the pawnshop holding an interesting object in his hands.)

SELLER
Well I’m here today to consider selling this priceless family heirloom that has been passed down for multiple generations. It’s a rare walking stick made of nothing but extinct monkey tails. I’m fairly certain my great great grandfather murdered someone to make sure it was protected, but I really want to buy a Playstation 4 so I’m here to sell it!

(The seller approaches the counter and is greeted by Rick, the bald one.)

RICK
Hello. What do you have for me to pretend to know about today?

SELLER
Well I have this item that should probably go in a museum or, at the least, some sort of auction house, but instead I figured I would take it to a low-balling pawn shop for a chance to get on a cable reality television show for 6 minutes.

RICK
Ah, I see. Well do you mind if I take a look at it?

SELLER
Certainly!

(Chumlee enters.)

CHUMLEE
Is that a giraffe?

RICK
What? No it’s a walking stick.

CHUMLEE
I think it is a giraffe.

SELLER
I’m certain it’s a walking stick.

CHUMLEE
Ok we can agree to disagree I guess. I’m going to go stare at the sun for a few hours.

(Chumlee exits.)

RICK
Hmm do you know where this came from? Again, I know nothing about it but the more you tell me the more I can pretend to know about it later by repeating these same facts back to you while also complaining about the condition of it.

SELLER
My grandfather left it to me in his will and according to appraisals by some of the top scholars in the world, it’s worth around $2.6 million.

(The Old Man walks in.)

OLD MAN
Everything I say is so painfully scripted it sounds like a 9-year-old in a school play. I don’t have anything to add to the conversation but I will remind you that you’d better not spend any money. Now I’m going to go shuffle to the back office and read over my lines again.

(The Old Man exits.)

RICK
Well I know I’m not going to pay you anywhere near what it’s worth, but why don’t I call a buddy of mine who just so happens to be an expert in walking sticks made of extinct monkey tails. That’s definitely a thing, right?

SELLER
I’m oblivious!

(While waiting for the “expert” to arrive, Corey enters.)

COREY
What’s this piece of trash you’re looking at here?

RICK
It’s a walking stick. It’s very rare, apparently.

COREY
I see them down at the flea market all the time when I’m buying large tubs of hair gel that I dip my entire body in. I mean I’m not certain it’s them, it could be a tree that I’m thinking of, but the more we belittle this idiot, the more likely he is to sell it to us.

RICK
I agree. He looks like a dork and his pants are too small.

SELLER
I’m really thrilled to be on television right now!

(Corey exits as the expert enters.)

EXPERT
Ah yes, I’ve heard about these. They’re actually amazingly valuable and should be placed in a museum. I’ve never seen one in this condition and at auction it could bring in as much as $13 million. I appreciate you even letting me see such a rare piece of world history.

SELLER
Wow that’s great news!

(The expert exits.)

RICK
Ok so what do you want for it?

SELLER
Well he said $13 million so that sounds like a fair price.

(Rick laughs so loudly the earth literally shakes beneath his feet.)

SELLER
Ok $10 million.

RICK
Let’s break this down. He said it would get that much at auction and you’re not at an auction house. You’re in a damp pawnshop. So if I buy it I have to (at this point Rick makes up a bunch of garbage things he would have to do, like find a buyer, list it online, dust it, or take a photo of it, but he says it in a very exasperated way so it sounds like a lot of hard work).

SELLER
Hmm well I’m really committed to being on television and if I don’t sell it then there’s a good chance my part could get cut out.

RICK
I tell you what; I’ll meet you in the middle and give you $75 for it.

SELLER
That seems somewhat low, in my opinion.

RICK
Well you’re a person that’s selling pieces of family history at the same place you can pawn a hunting knife to pay your child support, so it’s not like you have a history of good decisions.

SELLER
Good point. Will you give me $90 for it?

RICK
Now I’m going to make an outlandish claim like if I buy it from you for an extra $15 when I know I’m going to flip it for millions, I won’t be able to buy my dog insulin and he will die immediately.

SELLER
Oh I don’t want your dog to die.

RICK
If you really don’t want him to die, you’ll sell this to me for $70.

SELLER
Wow thank you so much! Deal! I can’t believe what an amazing transaction we made! I am going to take a screenshot of me on the show and make it my Facebook profile picture. My ancestors will be so proud!

RICK
Whatever. Here’s your $60.

SELLER
I thought you said $70?

RICK
No I said the other thing.

SELLER
Oh. Well this is a televised reality show about a pawnshop in Las Vegas so I’m sure you’re being honest. Thanks! Goodbye!


Rob is a writer and comedian based in Louisville, KY. Follow @robfee on Twitter.

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