I’m always impressed when women create art, build businesses, make scientific discoveries or speak in complete sentences. Not because they aren’t just as capable as men, but because they have no need to do these things. The only reason guys do them is to get laid. If acquiring skills didn’t lead to sex, we would spend even more time watching sports, masturbating and, I’m guessing, masturbating to new sports we invented just so we could masturbate to them.
Technology has made hooking up so effortless that we are about to have a generation of men without any skills, causing our society to crumble. Since Tinder’s release in 2012, electric guitar sales have plummeted. In fact, sales of all musical instruments have. Why practice for hours in the hopes of attracting groupies when you can just swipe right 100 times in seven minutes until you get one “yes”?
What’s the point of going to a party, asking a woman out, taking her on a romantic walk over a bridge and casually saying “Why, this is the bridge I designed” when you can just type “Hey” without ever having to design a bridge. Or go to a party. Or put on a shirt. Cavemen were always building fires, killing animals, pillaging, murdering and making pelts—activities that are all way down lately.
The number of 17-year-olds applying for driver’s licenses is shrinking quickly because 17-year-olds no longer have to drive from party to party looking for girls. If trends continue, by 2020 only half of all men under 25 will be able to walk. There will soon be no professional football, no eating contests, no jazz, no paintings of naked women, no neckties, no graffiti, no air guitar and no Tough Mudder–ing of any kind. Entire sad subgenres of skills that only socially awkward men pursue in their desperation to get attention from women will soon go the way of whittling: magic tricks, juggling, beat boxing, opening beer bottles on the edge of a table, fighting, shooting pool, purposely funny dancing. Men worked diligently on these activities because of inspirations such as model-dating David Copperfield, who I have no doubt does all those things except fighting.
During the Renaissance, which occurred before texting, men were expected to paint, invent, write poetry, discuss philosophy and compose music—because you never knew what would get a Renaissance woman particularly excited. And without a car or a phone, you had to work on the few prospects in your tiny Italian hillside town. I am not at all impressed by the Sistine Chapel, David or The Last Supper. Given how much competition there must have been for the few hot chicks in Florence, I can’t believe none of those guys invented the smartphone. So he could put Tinder on it.
Everyone worries about the fact that not enough college students are majoring in technology, but they don’t realize that this is because of technology. When you can use OkCupid, Tinder and texting to get laid, why learn math to get a job? After all, as Barbie once said, unaware she was speaking for a future generation of men, “Math class is tough.” And there’s no need to do anything tough anymore. Every millennial is, in essence, a great-looking guy from a rich family; he has no need to make any effort whatsoever. Having a successful career, being handy and writing poetry have been replaced with “I can take a picture of myself with my phone.”
I didn’t have any skills growing up, but in the pre-Tinder era I knew I had to acquire some. By high school I had figured out I sucked at sports, music, magic tricks, acting and asking for things. So I got a humor column in my high school paper, working the long odds of it leading to getting attention from a girl who might get naked with me. Then I got a humor column in my college paper in order to get women to get naked with me. And now I have a humor column in a magazine that already has naked women inside it. It was a lot of work. Not nearly as much work as sports, music, magic tricks or asking for things, but definitely a few hours.
Women and robots can probably keep civilization going while we focus on getting, like, the totally perfect friend’s dog for our Tinder pic. Sure, we’ll still have roads and an education system, but ESPN will be a fashion show, the news will be 80 percent celebrity gossip and most technological innovations will involve making things that aren’t skinny into things that are skinny.
Luckily, men have one hope. The entire online dating world is built on the safety net of free online pornography; if a guy can’t find anybody, he always has porn. But soon there will be no new porn. After all, why would any man go into porn—with all the pausing for camera-angle changes, enduring hot lights and being in porn—when he can just get the same thing on demand through a mobile app? So either men will start learning to do impressive things again, or they will watch dated pornography. I have a really bad feeling it’s going to be the latter.