At this point, you may already be aware of Jeffrey Lash, a Pacific Palisades, Calif., man found decomposing in his fiancée’s car back on July 17th. After searching his home, authorities found over 1,200 firearms, 6.5 tons of ammunition and $230,000 in cash.
Yesterday, Lash’s fiancée Catherine Nebron had a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this: He was a super spy working for various unnamed government agencies.
Some of you might find that hard to swallow, but considering authorities also found 14 cars registered to Lash, including a Toyota SUV that can drive underwater, maybe it’s not so far fetched. Just kidding, it’s insane.
“The story itself sounds totally crazy but then how do you explain all this?” said defense attorney Harland Braun, who now represents Nebron. “There’s no evidence he was a drug dealer or he stole these weapons, or had any criminal source of income, no stolen property, all the stuff you’d look for.”
While it is a bizarre situation, I’m not sure “super spy” is the only way to explain it. Perhaps he was just an eccentric millionaire? Or to put it another way, maybe he was just a rich lunatic with a ton of guns? Regardless, it seems Nebron probably believed her fiancé of 17 years was a spy, which may explain why she left his body to rot in a hot car for over a week.
Lash told Nebron the government agencies would take care of his body and the items in the home, so Nebron and her friends took a trip to Oregon, distraught. When they returned about 10 days later, Nebron was shocked to still see Lash’s body in the car. She contacted Braun, and together they contacted Los Angeles police, who found the body, guns and more.
While most of us would probably be content to chalk this whole thing up to super spies and call it a day, apparently it’s not that simple. Earlier today, Nebron made another startling claim: Jeffrey Lash was also a human-alien hybrid who was here on a mission to save the planet.
While the advanced-alien race from which Lash descends may have conquered intergalactic travel, it hasn’t figured out how to cure cancer. Our secret savior was thought to have been battling the disease for more than a year, and authorities are trying to determine if that’s what ultimately killed him. However, Lash himself didn’t think cancer was the culprit, and instead told his fiancée that nerve-damaging chemicals he had been exposed to on a secret mission were to blame for his illness.
But whatever the case may be, Lash is dead. And Earth’s last, best chance for survival may have died along with him. Rest in peace, and may Xenu have mercy on us all.