Hello. Welcome to Judgmental Security Questions. The answers to these questions will help verify your identity and keep your account safe. (Like anyone would want to hack into your bank account with $11.53 in it anyway.) Answer all questions completely because if you don’t we will display an error on the next page and make you come back and do it all over again. And don’t worry, we will only ask these questions every time you log in to anything for the rest of time.

Please answer your security questions now:

  1. What was the name of your kindergarten teacher?

  2. What do you mean which one? Who fails kindergarten?

  3. What is the name of your favorite sports team?

  4. The Arizona Cardinals? Is it opposite day? I said favorite.

  5. What was the name of your first pet?

  6. What was the name of the street you grew up on?

  7. (sigh) Yes, I know that’s how you get your pornstar name. Grow up, dumbass.

  8. Where did you meet your spouse?

  9. Applebee’s? That’s exciting. You guys must really tear it up.

  10. What was your first job in high school?

  11. Wait, isn’t that where you work now?

  12. Please tell me you’re doing profit sharing or something.

  13. No? Holy shit.

  14. This is what happens when you fail kindergarten.

  15. What is your oldest niece or nephew’s middle name?

  16. You don’t know? Okay, what’s their first name?

  17. How do you not know that? She’s almost 11.

  18. Her name is not Chambley. You just made that up.

  19. What was your favorite snack as a child?

  20. Sugar packets? Are your parents in prison?

  21. What’s wrong with you?

  22. No, that wasn’t a security question. Just- forget it.

Mike is an actor and comedian based in Los Angeles. Follow @mikeleffingwell on Twitter.