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Just the Tips: How Do I Stop Daydreaming During Oral Sex?

Just the Tips: How Do I Stop Daydreaming During Oral Sex?: © Image Source / Alamy

© Image Source / Alamy

Dear Katherine,

How can I keep my mind from wandering during cunnilingus? If I keep my eye on the prize I can reach orgasm, but if I start thinking about a myriad of things – like if I’m close or not, what my breasts look like from that angle, my next move in returning the favor – I get sidetracked and sometimes can’t come. Any advice for staying focused on my own pleasure?

Help!

Daydreamer

My Dearest Daydreamer,

Can’t believe I thought I was unlucky by how distracted I get while trying to write! It’s not so different, though, is it? Both things usually happen in bed and really early in the morning or very late at night. They involve creativity, focus and attention to detail. And those who excel at both activities tend to have a certain kind of oral acuity.

But what to do when one just can’t seem to stay focused on the activity at hand, or tongue, as it were? First of all, take heart because while we can trace depictions of oral sex all the way back to the ancient Egyptians, the practice wasn’t widespread (to our knowledge at least) in the United States until the 1920s. In my opinion, oral sex can be an incredibly intimate act, and with intimacy sometimes comes the desire to run from it.

Oral sex means being the center of attention for a hot minute (or hour), and that takes courage. Questions arise. Who do you want to be when the focus is on you? Do you expect yourself to perform? Do you deserve all that attention? The answers are, of course, as follows: you want to be fabulous, you need not perform anything, you deserve ALL of it. But this sort of situation is enough to turn anybody into a nervous nelly.

Let’s proceed with tips to overcome your oral anxiety…

JUST LET YOURSELF DAYDREAM
Not every oral sex experience is going to be perfect, so let your mind wander. Miranda July’s latest book The First Bad Man, which you should really read if you’re ok with the genre of “twee,” has a main character who imagines a scene within a scene within a scene of herself having sex whenever she’s intimate with another person. We all have weird places our minds go during sex, and that’s OK. Let it wander, and then let it wander back.

FOCUS ON SENSATION
Sex is a metaphor for many things. It can be an expression of intimacy or an attempt to express love or an action you take to get closer to somebody. It’s also just a mechanical practice whereby two bodies get close to each other and strange fluids come out of (or into) them. Sometimes if you just focus on physical sensation and don’t let yourself get overly psychological things work out better. Save the metaphors for post-coital pillow talk.

THEN: COMMUNICATE THE SENSATION
Tell your partner what feels good. This keeps you connected and present with the other person and less likely to drift off into lalaland.

NOT COMING ISN’T THE END OF THE WORLD
There’s a bit of an orgasm myth happening with sex. Sometimes not being able to orgasm is totally fine, and you can have a great time without it. Take the pressure off and see what happens.

TAKE A BREAK
You say your mind is elsewhere? Take a minute to talk about what’s on your mind. Lots of people shut down during sex and intimate moments for lots of different reasons. Take a moment to discuss what’s on your brain if it’s that pressing or distracting. Sometimes the act of getting something off your chest helps get you off, en general.

MASTURBATE MORE
In some ways masturbation is the opposite of oral sex because you’re giving yourself all the attention rather than receiving all the attention from somebody else. However, it’s good practice to make your own pleasure a fixture in your life whether or not it’s coming from somebody else. You might be able to put less pressure on the oral sex situation if you know that there’s always another orgasm around the corner.

RESULTS AREN’T GUARANTEED
To some degree intercourse (even oral intercourse) is a loss of control. It sounds like you’re worried about how to control the situation – angles, future moves, etc. Most people think about that sort of thing during sex, but here’s the thing – and this is especially true of oral sex – sometimes the best way to enjoy it is to accept that there is no next move. There is nothing you should be doing better and there is nothing you’re doing wrong. You’re just doing it. The more you can enjoy the act of doing it, the better it will be.

Darling. Above all do not think of oral sex as a “favor.” A favor is something with an obligation attached to it. A favor is reaching something on a high shelf, putting in a call to get somebody an internship or picking up toilet paper on the way home because your roommate used the last roll and texted you asking you to grab some. While oral sex should be as commonplace as any of those activities, the sentiment behind it ought to markedly different. It’s a gift and ought to be received as such – with gratitude, pleasure and delight.

xK


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