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Just the Tips: I Found My Girl’s Sex Pics

Just the Tips: I Found My Girl’s Sex Pics: © Wavebreak Media ltd / Alamy

© Wavebreak Media ltd / Alamy

Alright, Katherine, I did a bad thing. A bad, un-undoable thing, and you’re my best hope for some sort of clarity.

I snooped.

I don’t know why I snooped, but I did. I was working at home, and my computer was dead, so I was using my girlfriend’s – scratch that – fiancée’s. I have always vowed not to snoop, not to read emails, not to look at photos. But then I was digging up a file, and I caught the glimpse of those three little letters - .jpg. And then I looked at one, then two. A trip to Italy, that’s nice. A photo from school, oh that’s sweet. A photo of the ex…

…that’s when the addict juice hit me, and I started snooping. I looked at every photo, every single one, in her whole computer. I found the secret file. I found the exes. And then I found the dirt. Old photos, sexy photos, photos meant to be sent as private epistles to a lover, photos of sex just about to happen. One photo (from 2005) of what looked alarmingly like a sort of early-20s sex party.

I promised myself I wouldn’t snoop because I knew just how adept I would be at finding hidden stuff, at digging and digging until I got to the dirt. And when given the opportunity that’s exactly what I did. Now I can’t get the images out of my head. Especially img_1159, which is the last one before a clearly deleted series that probably would have me going insane.

Help me, Katherine. I know it was a bad thing to do, and I can’t undo it. But maybe I can forgive myself?

Sincerely, Snoop

Dearest Snoop,

Well. It’s a good thing for you that we’re in the season of forgiveness, isn’t it? The Jews are emerging from the narrow place as described in the Haggadah to experience liberation. The Catholics are back on sugar and booze after 40 days of Lent, and the earth is finally giving us all a break by pushing up some daffodils after a merciless winter.

Katherine Cooper

Katherine Cooper

But before we get all atonement and redemption on you let’s talk about the “bad thing” you’ve done. There exists a fine line between curiosity and snooping, and you’ve crossed it. I myself have never been much of a snooper. Mostly because I have so many secrets that the idea of trying to uncover somebody else’s is exhausting. So I’ve turned to an expert.

Enter: Michael McKeever, P.I. McKeever, who is based in New York City (global hub of infidelity and philandering), is a third generation P.I. and knows a thing or two about snooping. He once tailed the wife of a man who suspected his lady was cheating because she was showing up 15 minutes later from work than usual. McKeever says he nearly fell out of his chair when the man articulated his suspicion, and I agree that anything bad I’ve ever done has taken me at least 20 minutes. Joke is, the guy was right.

McKeever uncovered an affair with a coworker. He also tailed three different women for the same guy and found absolutely nothing but a wellspring of paranoia on the part of his client. When I asked him what compels people to snoop, he told me: “Sometimes people have an undefined suspicion, and men are most likely to have an unfounded suspicion. If you’re snooping, and if you find something, then you’re often ready to find something.”

I’m inclined to agree with P.I. McKeever. Your first step should be to ask yourself what exactly you were ready to find. My advice for you therefore is about how to understand your need to snoop, how to address it in the context of your relationship and, yes, how to seek forgiveness.

Ask Yourself: WHY?
I, like our friend P.I. McKeever, have a feeling you were digging for something you knew you’d find. In fact, you say that you knew “just how adept I would be at finding hidden stuff.” Could it be that part of the reason you’re into this woman enough to want to spend the rest of your life with her is because she has a propensity for sexy secrets? Be extremely honest with yourself about the origins of your desire to snoop.

Stop Playing the Prude
There’s nothing wrong with the materials on your girlfriend’s comp. Its seems that a part of you really enjoys being “alarmed” by these pics (see earlier comments about origins of your desire). You even go so far as to say that they’ve driven you near the brink of insanity, but why exactly? Are you jealous? It doesn’t sound like there is any evidence of infidelity here, but it does seem that you’re enjoying playing the role of the prude at this moment. If you want to deal with it like a big kid, drop the Sandra Dee act.

Relinquish Control
We snoop in part because we want to have secrets that we can lord over our partners. As P.I. McKeever says in relation to your case, “He’s finding out info that’s really not helping him.” He’s right. I’ve never seen a relationship last that’s built on the premise of withholding information. Your lady may or may not have been withholding information from you, but now you are most certainly keeping secrets from her. While that may give you a short-term buzz it will result in a long-term headache. I suggest you fess up immediately.

And when you DO talk about it, here’s how:

Acknowledge your insecurity as a motivating factor

Admit what turned you on about the process of snooping itself and or the materials themselves (cuz it sure don’t sound like you’re pissed off…)

Apologize for invading her personal space

Articulate a request for what you would like to know about her romantic and sexual past moving forward in order to feel OK about a potentially lifelong partnership

Atone for your indiscretions by doing something really nice for her. Think foot rubs. Think dinner. Think erotic treasure hunt. Rebuild those bridges, baby.

Discussing your snooping and her sexy past has the potential to bring you closer together as sexual and romantic partners if you make space to address it in a nuanced way. Ultimately, I say screw the absolution stuff. Relationships with your partner and with yourself are really not about confessing and atoning. When you do that you set up a scorecard, and somebody always loses. Seek forgiveness, my friend, but more importantly, seek growth.

I’ll close by sharing a quote that P.I. McKeever likes a lot. It’s by Mark Twain, and it reads: “If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”

Remember that.

xK


Just the Tips is Playboy.com’s weekly advice column, with professional matchmaker Katherine Cooper. Have a question for Katherine about sex, love or dating? Shoot her a note at justthetips@playboy.com.


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